Friday, February 5, 2016

A Disturbance in the Force

Not super pertinent to Ava and I but I've been struggling with this baaaad feeling in the pit of my stomach lately and I just want to keep a record of it here in case I turn out to be right.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

4 Months Old/18 Weeks

Ahh!!! I'm so done...with buying her clothes.

I have resigned myself to only shopping the clearance rack in the toddler section. I swear it felt like 2 weeks ago she was just fitting into her 9 month stuff and now things are starting to get what the heck!?

She 27.25 inches, and somewhere slightly above 16 pounds, but that was a couple days ago.

Compared to last month, she is SOOO much better with grabbing and playing with objects. Today I was holding a piece of paper in my hand and she started slapping it up and down, it was pretty cute.

Her 2nd tooth is cutting through the gum.

Everywhere we go we get stopped. Several times. She is an attention black hole, just sucks it all in.

Her new thing is to pop on and off the boob just to stare and smile at me. Mostly cute, but sometimes I'm pressed for time and want her to make up her mind lol.

She's going through a growth spurt and I've recently been pumping up to 6oz a session = Winning

For some strange reason, she doesn't want to sit in her carseat or swing or anything like that.

On my end, I said a mentally well mom is probably worth more than an exclusively breastfeeding mom and got back on my evening primrose oil and no bad side effects to speak of. Also, the bloodwork from my doctor came back and my iron, b12, vitamin d, folic acid, and thyroid levels are all perfect. I'm doing well in school so far, got a 100 on my quiz.

And I know I've been terrible about sharing pictures so here's some recent-ish ones

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

17 Weeks

Still working on the issues from last week. I have good and bad days. Just so nobody worries, my mom helps...A lot. That kind of compounds me feeling like shit though. She is really good with Ava, and so is my dad. I feel like she's kinda breathed life back into them so I guess it's beneficial all around.

I just went to the doctor today and the reason why my ear is so funky is because I ruptured the ear drum. Yep. Don't know how, or when, but that explains a whole lot. If this other round of antibiotics doesn't work (and I'm up to here with being on the verge of a yeast infection all the time) then it's back to the doctor to get some scans to make sure I don't have the c word because the lump in my neck is getting bigger and it should shrink if the infection goes away. Did I talk about my lump before? I can't recall.

Ava seems to be copying behaviors she sees already. Our dog barked next to her so she yelled at it lol. It was quite hilarious to be honest.

Today I had no work or school and I spent the entire day with Ava. I'm pretty much always with her minus work and school but I guess what I mean is we did everything *together*, not me on Netflix and her playing with her toys. And I was rewarded. Today was the first time she very clearly reached out for me. I felt like...yes! I'm not just a boob to her, she knows who I am.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

16 Weeks - Sometimes I'm still sad...

and I feel like the biggest asshole.

My blood pressure is so high right now it is giving me a headache and all I want to do is take myself outside and cry. But I can't do that. 1. It's freezing cold and I can't take Ava with me and 2. I can't leave her alone either. 

What in the fuck is wrong with me?

I feel like I'm slowly falling off the edge of a cliff back into Crazy Canyon. Like I almost climbed out but nope, everything started to crumble underneath me.

I feel like that motivation I so desperately need is not there. I'm starting to feel crippled again by depression and settling for days and nights spend on the couch in oblivion. And who the fuck can't get it together for their own child? This shit is not a warm-up, it's not even a game.

Maybe this is all temporary and will pass. Maybe I'm being way too hard on myself. Maybe this is why I feel like the Universe has been trying to light a fire under my ass, to save me from this. 

It scares me sometimes how much I don't feel. We had an episode of nursing aversion (and I feel even more like shit because seriously, isn't that supposed to only happen with preggo people and their toddlers?) and I have to shut down for 10-20 minutes whether she needs me or not. It scares me how I can completely remove myself emotionally because it gets to the point I feel like if she scratches me one more mother fucking time, especially if I'm having those feelings of get the fuck off of me, I'm going to Walmart that instant and buying ALL the formula. Every brand and type I tell you! 

If anyone reads this and judge me, go the fuck ahead. I would judge the shit out of me too.

But this is why PCOS is a real fucking problem. I don't feel as if I have postpartum depression. I feel that my hormones are now reverting back to pre-pregnancy and pre-IVF aka horrible. This is my body's state of normal, and I have gone so long without experiencing that normalcy that it feels unbelievable to me now that I spent a good chunk of my life feeling that way. So I gotta fix it. Even if whatever it takes kills my milk supply.

Other than that, Ava is fine and I filed my taxes and we got a nice chunk of change so the nest egg goal is now complete.

Friday, January 15, 2016

15 Weeks

Ava's tooth came through! The bad news is, I swear I see two more coming in. Ugh. I get a feeling the bad news will keep coming until she has a mouthful of teeth.

Now during the rare moments of tummy time, she starts to wiggle and move her arms like she's trying to army crawl.

And the craziest thing is! She slept through the night TWICE! In a row! I don't remember waking up to feed her and my shirt was down when I woke up.

I tried wearing her on my back with the ergo. She was fine with it, but one of the straps was essentially choking me. Super long baby that still needs support + short-waisted mom = not good.

My hair has started falling out, but then again, I go through a "shed" about this time every year. I get a feeling AF is right around the corner. I think last week's pumping issue was due to possible pms or some sort of hormone fluctuation because also, it felt like the bottom dropped out of me emotionally the other day. And I had a few days of super light spotting. It's probably just a matter of time anyway with going back to work, pumping, and her sleeping for longer stretches.

Friday, January 8, 2016

14 Weeks Old - WTF Happened?

Breastfeeding might be over. I've spent a whole week with overfull breasts, backed up like traffic in LA during rush hour. I try and try to get Ava to nurse more, but between her teeth and my letdown, she doesn't want to. She just pops on and off over and over and over at least half of the time. Night-time is my only savior, and I've basically been letting her sleep with the boob in her mouth instead of popping her off....and now my nipples are sore. And the pump is a fucking piece of shit. Stupid loser, asshole fraud. It doesn't get out hardly anything anymore, especially when I'm full so can I get a WTF!?

I have 21 oz in the freezer. Ava drinks 7-11 oz when I'm gone and I always nurse her before I leave. Pumping at work isn't bad, it's just that I'm always full to some degree. This is what scares me about trying to "boost" my supply because it doesn't seem to need boosting. But if I can't get it out...I'm probably either going to get mastitis and/or my supply will naturally then I guess I'll have to give her formula during the weekends but then it could kill my supply all together and blehhhh. I feel like I have to decide between breastfeeding and working. Obviously unemployment is not an option. This is just more fire under my butt to get that new/2nd job thing going.

I got Ava some of those toy links and she loooves them. Her grasping ability is improving at warp speed.

Oh! And I can't believe I totally forgot to mention this but....I got the mom chop. The longest piece was to my tailbone and now it hits my shoulders. No regrets.

***Update***: So pumping at work went fine. Amazing even. I have *NO* idea what the heck was going on but I guess no cause for concern...except my boobs are on permanent full status mode. Ugh.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Confession Time

I have been really hesitant to put this out there for no other reason than I'd *hate* to look back and see that I didn't follow through, that somewhere along the way I settled for less AGAIN, and it's just one more broken dream on the side of the road.

Now that I have Ava, I'm quite content with my life in certain ways, but I'm not content with hers, if that makes any sense. I'm specifically unhappy with our living situation. I am still living in the shithole town I grew up in. On the opportunities scale, it's not Detroit, but it's pretty damn low. Most of my closest friends from high school and before got the fuck out. It basically goes like this with the people I grew up with: stay and have a lackluster life full of shit, or get the fuck out and have a good life. And I see the people I grew up with ALL THE TIME! It's one of those places. Except minus the small town charm and add in crime, drugs, and unemployment. Though it would be easy to share the best parts with her since I know what is good and bad, I do not want to raise my daughter here. So while I could make do with living here, there are bigger and better things waiting for Ava ANYWHERE but here.

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't care about work. I'd love to have a career I'm passionate about, but at the end of the day, I don't thrive off that. I thrive off downtime with people. I'm a work to live type person, not live to work. I can flip burgers but as long as I have a good social life, I'd be happy. I also don't need much to live, and I'm not very materialistic. I really just like money for providing me with the ability to travel and have new experiences. Then again, sometimes I'm an antisocial bitch and I have a hard time making new friends, which sucks, because I also have these super high moral standards which lead me to cut off a lot of people when they fuck me over. If I had a bigger circle of people on which to depend on, maybe this wouldn't be a problem but it's a vicious cycle so here we reason to stay with no friends around. They're all gone. Ireland, North Carolina, Texas, Virginia, and now South Carolina.

I specifically want to move to Colorado but anywhere out west will do. I lived there briefly once and I really liked it. I have a friend living out there who has kids so I'd at least have A friend. But the important part is...

My secret dream is to get some land to put a tiny house on where Ava and I would grow and raise most of our food in an almost 100% self-sustainable fashion. I'm talking solar power, rain water, compost toilet. That way, any earned income would go to travel and other fun stuff. This clashes with my desire for her to be close to any and all educational opportunities and for her to not be a hermit like I'm turning into. I never moved as a child and I will be damned if Ava doesn't get to live in new places.

I have a slight but not concrete idea on how to make this happen since I can think of a billion different paths on top of my head. But this is the year of following through!  So I will set my goal low and start with saving up a nest egg and go from there.