Saturday, November 21, 2015

7 Weeks Old

Not much to say today but I am working on several different posts at the moment.

Ava *just* started to hold her head up more. She can do it a little while flat on her stomach but she's much better when she's inclined up a bit. And she is starting to bear her weight on her legs. She doesn't do it very long but she will push herself up from squatting to standing. I'd argue that staying standing is more about core muscle strength than leg.

If my scale isn't completely busted, she's 13ish pounds now. I was putting her into her carseat last night and her face just looked....she looked so much older, and so much like me. She's back to being her normal calm self and life is good.

Friday, November 13, 2015

6 Weeks Old


WHO is she?!

We had a rough start to the week, that is for sure. She stopped sleeping, stopped nursing on my right side, and started fussing which is so unlike her.

SOME peeples brought sickness with them and I guess we were fighting it off. I've never seen boogers in her nose before, and then she started pooping mucus and yeah...I got an ear maybe turned sinus infection and sore throat.

I finally got an estimate of how much she eats. Went to a party, had a sitter, and she drank 2-3 oz every 1.5 hours which is how frequently she nurses through the day.

I also finally got my electric pump figured out. I'm not sure it's more efficient as I haven't tried pumping both sides at the same time but my hands hurt less :). I did figure out how to get more milk via hand expression and then I realized holy shit maybe I do have an overactive letdown on the right because she's had all the symptoms except how am I supposed to catch the spray in a washcloth or whatever when I don't spontaneously leak or anything. No contact on the boob = no milk. She's done a lot better with it though and that makes me feel better.

Got my 6 week checkup and all is well.

She never stops cooing as long as she is fed and awake and she makes new sounds everyday. What's most impressive is she recently acquired "goo" and one morning I told her to say it and she did.

Her hair and eyes are changing color. Her hair looks like the color of a mixed bag of pennies. Depending on the angle and light, it changes constantly but outside it has a red tint for sure. And her eyes...well watch out Elizabeth Taylor. They're so blue that when she wears purple, her eyes look violet or indigo or whatever you call it. I have no idea where she gets either.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

5 Weeks Old

Ava is now 23.5 inches long, 11lb 4oz, and her head is 15.5" around. I am a little concerned about her weight because the gain averages out to 5 oz a week, the bottom of normal, when it was 11 oz a week two weeks prior, but that could have been due to the insane amount of cluster feeding and sugary foremilk she was getting, plus she's obviously growing other ways, sleeping well, and hitting milestones, so maybe I'm just freaking out over nothing.

She definitely smiles at me and definitely coos.

The other night we were out and she oddly was awake from 10-1 in the morning feeding on and off which is unusual since that is her normal sleepy time but when we got home, she slept all the way until 7 am. 6 hours. No joke.

I'm very unsure about this whole work situation to the point I'm most likely going to apply for new jobs. I had a childcare plan and that fell through so...yeah. I'm terrified of having to pay for daycare, I'm even more terrified of having her in one period. I work in childcare and I know not all workers are perfect, not all of them treat kids right, and not all of them even care. Hopefully it all pans out.

My sister and her kids are visiting and my niece and nephew adore their new cousin. She took all of it in stride, she didn't even cry at all yesterday, not even a fuss. The house is happy and full.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

I don't miss being pregnant...


Instead of feeling terribly sad and jealous every time I see a pregnant woman, I now think, "You poor thing." 

I'm so very glad to have had the ability and opportunity to carry a healthy child to term, and give birth; there's no doubt about that, even if everything didn't go to plan.

But ohmygoodness I just canNOT relate to all these chicks who wanna hop in the DeLorean and go back to those days. 

1. I have an expanded wardrobe that feels like new
2. I'm skinnier
3. I can eat whatever the hell I want and not get heartburn or regurgitate it
4. I can drink
5. My feet look cute again
6. I'm neither terribly tired nor do I have insomnia
7. I never worry about shitting on myself
8. People aren't constantly fretting over me anymore
9. I can do things like get tattoos and go ice skating

And the most important thing is I can visually see, hear, and feel that my girl is ok almost every second of the day. It was terrifying waking up everyday and being acutely aware of how I could lose her at any moment, for some unexplained reason. And yes, I still think about SIDS everyday but at least there are known risk factors and things you can do to prevent it. 

I love seeing her face and her expressions and her growing. I love hearing her. I love consciously being able to take care of her. And you can't put bows and tutus on a fetus.

Would I do it again? Yep. There's no doubt about it. But do I want to relive this past pregnancy? Hell no!

Sunday, November 1, 2015

1 Month Old/31 Days Postpartum

Ava celebrated her first Halloween last night! It went surprisingly well I must say even though getting ready was sortof stressful. No way was I changing her anytime except right before we left and did she still puke on her outfit? Yep.

We went to a fall festival and then trick or treating with my friend, her daughter, and other peeps. She slept the WHOLE time. And man, did I feel young again, traipsing up to strangers' houses with a bunch of preschoolers.

You know how they say that babies cluster feed for a growth spurt or a new milestone? I'd say that's true, because magically overnight she has become a beast at holding her head up, except when she's tired, but she's a crazy amount more proficient than she was.

I'm also of the opinion that her coos that sound like words (ok, not really words, but the inflection/intonation), perfectly timed smiles in response to funny stimuli, and ability to follow simple commands like "let mommy's hair go" can't ALL be coincidental. Ugh, am I turning into THAT mom? Probably.

Sleep! It's so much better. After a couple of nights of staying up with cranky pants McGee throwing up and crying and waking up constantly and all that I said fuck it and went straight to bed-sharing. We had THREE four hour stretches of sleep, it was amazing. Granted, it makes my nipples hurt because she can't latch herself correctly without my help so we go back and forth now between her in bed with me and her bouncy seat that helps to keep her upright. We've had no problems since.

I lost another pound, woo.

My microdermal fiiinally came out, I felt like I should put it under my pillow for the piercing fairy to collect.

And in the worst news possible, my bleeding is tapering off but now it's like I'm re-losing my mucus plug. Factoring in the weird period-like cramps I had last week, a quick Google search left me with one answer...Ovulation. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! God I hope not. I don't even understand how or why that would happen. I feed her on demand day and night! And I don't normally ovulate anyway, I certainly never produce that much freaking mucus! My luck.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

4 Weeks Old

  • The best and worst thing about having a baby is watching them grow up.
  • I have used up 1/3 of my time off and that makes the rest of the 8 weeks seem so short, but when I think about not having to be back until after Christmas, it seems so far away.
  • I'm starting to ask myself things like was that a real smile? Was it a grunt or a coo? Is she holding her head up more?
  • I'm also trying realllly hard to resist the urge to whack off my hair (again), especially since she's been grabbing it as of late, and I seriously have to pry it out of her iron grip.
  • Halloween is coming up and we are ready! I may have to pump alot to get into my costume but it'll be worth it.
  • Speaking of pumping, I had a win the other day as my let-down happened almost instantly. I got a little over an ounce in 10 minutes per side. Truth be told, I have no idea how much she can eat, I've only ever fed her 2 oz in a bottle and she's been satisfied thus far. As I'm feeding on demand (ehem, like 3x an hour sometimes), I'm only pumping once a day with the manual pump though I plan to increase it closer to the time I go back to work and my sister will be back down soon to help me figure out that damn double electric pump that frustrates me to pieces. I'm going to have to do something because I really cannot imagine my job being super happy about giving me the amount of break time I would need to pump what Ava would eat while I'm gone with my current method, though I suspect she really doesn't need as much as she eats, half the time I'm a pacifier. At the same time, I don't want to ramp up my production until I'm pumping on a regular basis, but I have a stash of steel cut oats, flaxseed, and brewer's yeast in the cabinet. I'm also pretty sure I will not be going back to work full time immediately, so I can pump on my days off too.
  • Reflux is rearing its stupid, ugly head. We're up like alllll night and it just seems to get worse. She's went from grunting and moaning in her sleep to not being able to sleep and grunting and moaning. She threw up three times last night after I fed her and they were honestly small feeds. The weird thing is it only happens after midnight until about 6 in the morning. During the day, she's pretty much fine. I don't get it. It's really frustrating because I don't know what to do with her, I can't nail her to a wall to sleep upright and I can't sleep all day either, got things to do! 

Friday, October 23, 2015

23 Days Postpartum

So I lost another pound, after pumping, not that I pumped 16 oz but whatever.

It was really fun to dig out my nonpregnant clothes. I have a shit ton of jeans. Holy hell. It was like an ultimate shopping trip. However, I'm stumped to how my loose fat pants at 170 pounds won't button at 157...hmmm.

I feel so gross lately. Just everything disgusts me. If I thought I smelt pregnant, I really smell now. I wash the pits and they still smell. I sweat through my deodorant in like 3 hours. My mouth always feels dirty. My feet are gross. My hair is always blehhh. I am so sick of wearing a pad. And I'm REALLY tired of wearing my baggy maternity shirts, which are the only shirts I can pull down to nurse in, and I refuse to buy new clothes until I'm semi happy with my body. I just feel really...ugly.

My feelings for Ava are changing in a way that's hard to explain. I've always loved her and I'm happy and have no regrets, but I never felt a huge rush of emotion, the kind that makes your chest feel like it will burst; I knew that was OK so it didn't bother me. I guess we were on autopilot for a while, just feeding and sleeping. Sometimes it felt like I was just a boob to her. I also didn't really talk to her too much, I just kinda reveled in the silent moments, letting touch speak for itself. But everyday, I find myself more vocal with her, and she is more alert and instead of just calming her with nursing, sometimes all she needs is to see me or to be held by me, and that feels aamazing. I hold her so tight now and kiss her cheeks and rub our noses together. And I feel overwhelmed by how much I adore her.

Breastfeeding is SO much better. I almost enjoy it now except to make up for her increase in sleep, she's eating for much longer so instead of one long feed, I break it up into a couple times an hour because the sensation still drives me crazy after a certain amount of time. I don't think I could have made it through without my sister and everyone else who encouraged me, and I probably would have quit if I didn't think to how I'd feel beyond the present. I envisioned her getting sick, or having problems with formula, and how I'd think back on myself: I would probably want to kick myself. So here's to a long and happy nursing relationship.