Thursday, October 8, 2015

1 Week Old

Somebody hold me while I cry. The time is already going too fast.

She had her first ped appointment today. She was hungry so she did fuss on the way there but not on the way back. Score. She hasn't lost any weight since leaving the hospital so that's good. They measured her at 22 inches and unfortunately, there's no spot for her on the growth charts LOL. She is starting to roll from side to side and managed to end up on her stomach once. She makes THE most adorable faces and noises. She's a pretty easy baby. Only cries when she's real hungry or real naked and cold.

As far as things with me, I feel pretty damn good since the spinal headache I got is on the mend. I scheduled my 6 week appointment and everything downstairs is not nearly as bad as I expected. I'm losing weight like crazy. I have no cravings or desire to eat junky food. I chug and chug water, and the hot flashes are intense! My skin is super clear like I'm 12 again so yeah, if pregnancy is good for PCOS, it has nothing on postpartum. I won't lie, my stomach is thrashed with stretchmarks, my belly button looks goofy, and it is squishy and saggy and all that but I have confidence I can fix it a little. I definitely don't look pregnant anymore.

Breastfeeding Sucks

Quite literally. But it is also totally amazing.

So all the good things...even in the dark, I can tell she is looking into my eyes sometimes. I love having her cuddled up against me. She really loves the boob. No problems there. My milk came in pretty early and my supply seems good. She reaaaally loves the boob. Sometimes I feel high when nursing. She. Loves. Her. Boob!

And the bad... I checked her for tongue tie straight away. Yep, she's got it. They wouldn't fix it at the hospital but at the time, things seemed OK. At the end of day 2, I could feel a change in my breasts. Yay milk! Yay those awesome lactation cookies! Then shit got bad.  My poor nipples felt sunburnt 24/7 and bled. I dreaded feeding her and sat there watching the clock waiting till she was done. Sometimes I couldn't last ten minutes. It hurt so bad but I kept at it. In a week, I went from being concerned about thrush, to trying to fix our latch as best as possible, pumping, giving her a bottle, buying every breastfeeding accessory known to man, using a shield, then getting scares about mastitis, and worrying if I either have a low supply or the world's biggest.

Today we had the best most painless latch ever....and then she threw up pretty much everything. She spits up and I don't know of my letdown is too fast or if she's too full or what. If it is, it might explain her pinching my nipple and my whole vasospasm issue, which is too long to explain but my nipples are cold and I've been more diligent in keeping them warm and so far, today was one of the easiest days we've had since the hospital.

Breastfeeding is hard. I mean, there's a reason why people choose to buy formula when you can make milk for free. I can totally see how easy it is to give up, and I've had a few moments. The point is, good parents just want their baby happy and healthy, with their own pride taking a back seat.

And oh man, the doubt. The self-doubt is intense. As much of a pain it is, I love being reassured by all the diapers I'm changing.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Birth Story

This will take forever, but I have to write it for anything else to make sense.

I had no idea that I was going to go into labor when I least physically. I did have a teeny bit less swelling and could walk better that day. I also couldn't sleep the night before, thanks to hot flashes.

So I wake up on 3 or 4 hours of sleep and head to my appointment. I was super pissed because somehow my shift got covered. I took my mom with me just in case I failed my NST (I didn't) and had to be sent asap for induction. I told my Dr I was ready to do the damn thing, and we scheduled overnight cervidil placement for Sunday, induction on Monday morning. She asked me if I was ready that day, I said yeah, and then she laughed at me pretty much saying too bad, we can't do it today, we're booked up. She checked me and it was more painful, still a 2, and then did another sweep. Didn't really feel any different. We left and since hey, why not, we decided to go get lunch and maybe walk around because I wouldn't have to go to work later.

So we went to Chili's, I didn't eat much, and I had three what I'd describe as baby contractions. Irregular, 14-17 minutes apart. So to Target we went and looked at baby stuff. I had to stop and bend over the cart periodically. I really wouldn't call it pain but at some point I was like... I want to go home.

So we start driving and I notice that I have back tightness that goes to my butt that turns into a cramp. Ten minutes later another, and then ten on the dot, another. And then, my first real contraction. I started yelling fuck fuck fuck fuckface! It was intense but not terrible. After that, I had more but they weren't intense.

We get home, I sit on my birth ball, trying to get it going some more. I call my sister who's convinced I'm in labor but me, not so much. I take a bath, jam out to labor music, then decide to sleep because I want to wake up at 6 cm lol. I almost go to sleep but something woke me up, I forget what it was. I go to the bathroom and I'm having a lot of bloody show, more blood than mucus and it's pinky red, not brown. My mom freaks out, I catch her neurotic vibes, so my dad drives us to the hospital. On our way there, what do I see? A big bright moon over the river. Uh ohs.

I don't see anything on the machine but the Dr tells me I'm 3-3.5 cm and 60% effaced. I light up like a kid in a candy store because even if I still need to be induced, it'll work better at this point. They send me home. Big mistake.

As soon as I get in the car, I'm contracting every three minutes like I was on the way home. Thinking I have a ways to go and the car is just uncomfortable, nobody thinks anything of it. My dad takes his sleeping pill and goes to sleep. I take a benadryl. Second big mistake. After a while, I realize it's not letting up and I'm timing contractions again. They are long, number one. None of this 30-60 second shit. I had a pattern of if one was 1.5 min long, they were 3 minutes apart; the 2.5 minute long ones, yep, were 5 minutes apart. I really don't know if I'm truly in active labor or not and my mom starts FREAKING out. I mean sanitizing scissors and shoelaces and shit. I call my sister and tell her what's going on, she says to go. So I try to call my friend to come get me except since I was sent home, she's sorta well...incapacitated to drive. So somewhere in there my mom decided it was a good idea to start yelling at me and throw my hospital shit out of her room and lock the door on me while still yelling? Talking? To me but I'm obviously incapable of hearing what she's saying. Call my sister again, and we decide to call an ambulance. Why not a cab...I'm still asking myself. Anyway, I do that and it's super embarrassing. My poor dog tried to jump up on the stretcher with me.

There's a bunch of police outside and fire trucks and I just apologize over and over and I'm hoping to god this is it. So we go to the hospital. Contractions still coming close together. The very nice ems lady engages me in conversation the whole way which I'm yelling throughout but it's not too bad. And oh yeah, lots of cursing. This is when my thighs start to hurt like my miscarriage but I'm getting a break.

We get to the hospital, and there is like a crowd of medical people all waiting for me in the er. It looks like Gray's anatomy. And for the billionth time I have to say no, I don't need to push. I sware, they all collectively groaned and the head guy sends me to l and d where I see the Dr that discharged me. Contractions are definitely on the monitor. Checked again, 4 cm and 90% effaced. Hell yes. But I'm still not convinced. They pop the IV in me and I'm still so stressed about my mom. I call some support people to let them know and then I get admitted. I realize OK this is happening. My first nurse was amazing. I ask for the tub room and it's available. She is so sweet, she gets the birth ball and the peanut and hep locks me, puts me on remote monitoring and into the tub I go. It has jets and feels amazing on my thighs. My friend shows up and for a while, everything is perfect. My other friend changes shifts since she has to go to class. I'm kinda hot and about to need another round of antibiotics so I go to the shower. That's about the time they want me on for 15 minutes in the bed which I was like OK, we should do the antibiotics at the same time. Get me mental preparedness on.

Things are getting harder now and my thighs just won't let up. Hip circles, hands and knees commence, but nothing helps. I also hate how my stomach rubs my legs when I use the ball. I'm still in good spirits though, saying I can do this. I am doing this.

So into the bed I go and let me say that was a big fuck no. I start losing my shit. I. Need. The water. My Dr comes and checks me, still 4 cm but completely effaced and she breaks my water. It felt good. So now I'm definitely only supposed to use the shower. I can't stand to lay in bed so I'm moving all around, this one nurse is like... Not yelling at me but being a bitch. And I'm yelling. Not screaming, but yeah. My friend says I'll scare someone, I say they should be scared!

I also rip out three ivs at this point. Not on purpose lol. I get up out of bed and kinda squat and push a bit because at the end of the contraction, water comes out and it feels good. But I don't want to swell my cervix. Soon I have to poop. My eternal optimist sister on the phone thinks I may have to push, the nurse thinks it's normal pressure. I say lady if you don't get me off this monitor, I'm shitting on your floor! She checked me and let me go. I was right. It was a poo, but I got to the toilet.

So now this is the time that Ava won't stop moving and they threaten me with an internal monitor so now, no shower. I can't move anyway with her poor scalp pierced so I agree to try stadol. I know that being as late as I am and how big we guess she is that if she even barely distresses, I'm getting a section and I wouldn't even be able to argue.

The stadol is nice. You don't really fall asleep, it's like right before when you dream. The contractions hurt just as bad but I could relax between them. This was all going good until the contractions got worse and then they told me no shower AND no second dose because they couldn't tell the difference between her heart rate and mine. No shit Sherlocks, I'm in pain. Real bad pain. I look over at the monitor, the contractions start halfway up the page so I can't see where they peak. In that moment, I know I'm not a wuss.

Again, things go crazy. I ask them to check me. A 6. I go back and forth on the epidural a thousand times. Finally I get it and the weirdest thing was I was OK bent over holding still. That didn't help Mr. anesthesiologist who poked me at least 4 times. And then I felt it, like my water broke out of my back and I knew it right then. Uh oh. But I was out of pain.

I couldn't feel anything from the belly button down. At first I felt itchy, which is normal for me with meds like that. I tried to move my toes for fun, it was almost as if I could feel the signal going down but it wouldn't work. Other than that it was OK until my friend stepped out to get lunch and I started feeling nauseous. Oh yeah, I was laying down and couldn't really move. I kept pressing the nurse button but no one came. I thought I was going to throw up, aspirate, and die. I got the good sense to raise my bed up but I didn't puke until after my friend came back and informed me it was the wrong button. So apparently your body knows you're in transition whether you can feel it or not. Also, puking is great when you can't feel your abs. My first friend came back from class and then we all went to sleep.

Eventually I woke up and I was complete with no lip so they raised the bed for me to sit for an hour to help her descend. That was probably the best idea. An hour later it was go time. I was really nervous and my epi was wearing off. I thought to myself that life had to be fucking kidding me. So the contractions came back and the feel of her kicking. Again, the worst part was my thighs. The nurse tried putting me in stirrups but I was like hell no! She said I'd have to because I couldn't move my legs. My ob came in and said foot stirrups were fine and I threw my feet into those bad boys not using my arms at all. So there I was. A fucking epidural, pushing on my back, a friend holding each leg. I can't feel shit in the vag area and I'm not sure I want to. So I push. Does it help my thigh pain? No, but it's something to concentrate on. I try to nice and gentle push, like breathing out as I push and taking my time but that's not cool with the nurses so purple pushing it is. I have no idea if I'm doing it right and I try my damnedest to not get hemorrhoids and push with my vag. Also, to direct the pressure in my face to my bottom. I push three times per contraction. Everyone's tone is distinct and saying something different. They tell me I'm doing good. Eventually there is talk of hair but I know the game, two steps forward one step back.

I would not describe pushing as hard and I'm not in good shape. Eventually my Dr turns on a bit of pit and tells me to only push during intense contractions, to let the urge build up. I guess my oxygen level sucks so they make me wear a mask in between which I hate because it's actually killing the pain. So I lay there about five minutes waiting and the nurse says hey! Where'd your contractions go? Up yours, lady. Pushing continues and then my Dr says stop, I have to cut you. I was like what? I'm doing good! She tells me the baby is having decels, I ask at the end of contraction or the middle, because it does make a difference. She doesn't answer and then I hear how fast the baby's heart rate picks up so I say OK. I can tell shes doing it but I can't feel it. Not too long after they say the head is out, I think they're joking with me. I push again, shoulders are out.

Up until this point, pushing was just that. The fact it was my daughter inside me and my life was about to change dramatically was some abstract idea. I just wanted it over with. But then I heard her cry, and they put her on my chest. My first thought was damn, she is heavy! And I cried. I said to my dr. we did it! All my friends were tearing up. She was here, safe and healthy. She did shit on me immediately though.

We knew she'd be decent sized but when they called out her weight I was like... Wtf?!?!?! Her height was what most people guessed. The nurses kept saying that's not a baby, that's a toddler. 9 lbs 11 oz and 21.5 inches later, I was a mama. Labor started at 4pm on Wednesday, and she was born at 6:07 pm Thursday, which is my favorite day of the week, on the first day of my favorite month, and during my favorite season. Seemed good to me.

Even though my birth didn't go anywhere near how I wanted, I pretty much grieved it before it happened. And honestly, I don't really care. I still think natural birth is best but I have so much more understanding now. I'd definitely want a homebirth if there's a next time. My pitfalls could have been avoided in that way but I have no regrets and besides getting the most terrible spinal headache, I didn't have any complications. So I'm happy.

Oh, and yes, it hurts like heck when they push on your stomach.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


What a long and crazy story. But!

Avalysse was born on October 1st, 2015 at 6:07 pm. As predicted, a long baby at 21.5 inches and....

9 pounds 11 ounces. No, I kid you not. I'll write the birth story later, this mama has to eat and sleep.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

41 Weeks

Have I ever stated how much I hate being right sometimes? It's thoroughly annoying. Like I can't be wrong if I tried. I always thought I'd go late until this pregnancy when wishful thinking turned into bouts of false/prodromal labor.

This is an October baby. The only good thing about that is October is my favorite month.

But seriously, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. My biceps have been getting a great workout from all the pushing and pulling required for me to move my ass off/in/around the bed/couch. I don't even want to sleep because I know I will wake up every hour having to pee, which doesn't annoy me in the slightest, but it's the getting up, sitting down, back up, back down that's driving me crazy.

Also, maternity pants + stretching skin and back dermals don't mix. I really hate to say it but I'm pretty sure the one on my left side is rejecting. It doesn't seem nearly as bad as the pics from Google but it ain't right and I'm sad. I've had them for almost 5 years which I hear is a pretty damn good run. Sigh.

Tomorrow is the D Day. Decision, not delivery, but maybe both. SOMEbody had been freaking me out for a while when I couldn't feel much movement but it's been pretty constant since yesterday so I'm pretty sure she'll pass that part of the test. I honestly don't want to think about any of this shit and it would take a million posts to describe all my emotions in detail so I'll just update tomorrow.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

40 3/4 Weeks

Why am I even writing this?!?!?!

I am a walking freak show to most people. I'm very aware elective induction is a thing, and of course there's medically necessary ones....but its not like when you hit 40 weeks a timer goes ding! and they whisk you off to the hospital as standard procedure. Or maybe they do, I don't know anyone who had an ob that made it to 40 weeks since the 90s...all my friends went early and/or had midwives. Most went early naturally so I'm in my own boat here.

People ask me when I'm due everyday. Even the people who asked the day before seem to forget on a daily basis, it hasn't changed. Immediately after, I get shit like oh they didn't try to induce you? No bitch, I'm not a science experiment. Are you going to be induced? Maybe, I don't know yet because I'm not that overdue. When are you going to the hospital? Um, when I'm in labor?!?!?!

My NST is Wednesday so nothing is being artificially stimulated until then. Lay off, people! No one wants her out more than me, trust me. I'm the one with a giant head in my pelvis and measuring 44 weeks so...

Speaking of which, I can't walk sometimes. I dread flipping sides in bed and getting up to pee. I'm basically useless at work. My last day is supposed to be Wednesday night but if she isn't here I might as well keep going since there's nothing else to do.

I feel pretty awful for saying this, but I might be a little relieved if it is decided to induce me. At the very least, I'll know it's happening. I really don't want to end up with pit and especially a csection, but if my Dr was like hey, I can hook you up with some cervidil just to ripen you up and you can go home, I'd be hard pressed to say no. I've thought about asking for the Foley catheter since I had one with my hsg, but that would only get me about 2 cm farther, not really worth it.

I'm also pondering if I've royally fucked my cervix with all the things that have been up there over the years and that's why it's not thinning. Blah.

I should probably stop bitching. I've had a very healthy pregnancy thus far and I'm 99% sure most of my weight gain is baby and fluid. Look at these ankles! And my bp was 98/72 last appointment.

Thursday, September 24, 2015