Sunday, August 31, 2014

Pregnancy Update #12 - 7w5d

Wow. Almost 8 weeks.

There's nothing really new to say except...

I finally threw up!

Yes, it finally happened.

The victim was a banana. Poor thing, I had only eaten it about 10 minutes ago.

The throwing up wasn't that bad, I wouldn't mind doing it more.

It just makes me feel like yes, maybe things are still going good. This is SUPPOSED to happen.

But FYI, it wasn't morning sickness. This happened at 9:30 at night.

I'm still doing my happy dance about it.

Infertility makes you weird.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Pregnancy Update #11 - 7w2d

I am so happy with life right now.

I think things will turn out fine. Maybe I'm wrong but, I think so. I also had a dream that I had an ultrasound and we saw the baby so that is giving me some comfort.

I had a blessing in disguise this week. I haven't told my employers but SOMEbody just went ahead and did that for me. She's on my shit list. However, it forced the conversation and as of now, I'm labeled a part-time employee. I work full-time hours. We have been short staffed for a while and my boss usually asks me first what hours I want so I easily work 4-6 days a week when school doesn't interfere. Because I habitually work 30+ hours a week, I get medical, dental, and vision. To be honest, I haven't touched my vision or dental. Anyway, so I had to talk to my boss's boss and the consensus is that I will be going full time so as to keep my benefits and pay off my medical bills and I will now accrue vacation and sick time which I can possibly use before or after the baby gets here. On top of that, half of my hours will be doing a type of database entry which doesn't exactly take 20 hours a week, but that's how they pay it. I can come in anytime I want and do it, just sit in a room by myself on the computer aka heaven, no stress. I'm thinking that after I have the baby, I could do that, plus one 12 hour shift a week *probably a weekend*, so I can still keep the benefits and I won't need daycare, or more importantly, not have to spend half my paycheck on daycare. 99% of my friends have kids and jobs so I'm thinking we could trade off time for payment. I take their kid x amount of hours, they do the same for me. Or I just find a teenager I trust who wants to make some cash on the weekend. I told my oldest sister finally and she has more than offered to babysit, just about a thousand times :). This is all working out really well and putting my mind at ease.

With all this uncertainty about the pregnancy going on, I've found it comforting to just proceed like it's going to all be ok, keeping a sense of normalcy going. So with that in mind, I got SO much stuff at Motherhood Maternity today. God bless Jessica Simpson. I had a coupon for 20% off and wound up getting 3 shorts, 1 pair of jeans, 3 shirts, and one amazing dress for $150. They also threw in a bottle from the brand I was considering and a $20 shutterfly card. I really can't stand the heat. I almost died walking around campus a few days ago. I hate the way everything fits me and most of the stuff my sister gave me is too small now in the bust or is thick like for winter wear. More importantly, I FOUND BRAS! For the record, the store brand's band size of 40 is equivalent to Victoria's Secret 36. I.e. the 40E MM was almost identical to a 36DDD VS. I'm a very happy girl now and they have bras online that go up to 42H so I am covered!

Where I am not covered is my 8 week appt. I had to cancel because I have labs and I forgot but my ob is booked out about 3 weeks....yeah, not cool. I think I'm just going to reuse my order for blood and u/s on Tuesday or Wednesday because I need to know something! Hopefully, there's good news. As long as it looks like things are developing along the lines as they would have according to the dates of the last u/s, I'll consider it good. If the baby is totally caught up or somewhere in the middle, that'd be better.

Week 7

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Official

Earlier today...

I'm sitting here in bed debating...

1. Go get the ultrasound results, call the clinic, and hear their interpretation
2. Call the clinic, get a bad interpretation, and freak out and go get the ultrasound results anyway
3. Regardless of what I do, find out the clinic doesn't have the results yet *most probable*
4. Do nothing

I'm a hell of a lot calmer than I was Friday and the weekend. I've tried researching Google, and it doesn't look good, but on Friday things didn't look good and progress was made. I just wonder how long it will keep going.

I don't know, I'm just oddly at peace. I was at the hospital, fully embracing the possibility it was all over, wondering if I'd get wheeled into surgery or something. I reminded myself to enjoy the last moments of pregnancy. I don't know if it's the hormones or what but I'm in a much better place than years before. I feel I can handle this, I can get through it, move on. I don't know how, because if this was the old me, I'd fall the fuck apart. Like seriously fuck-up-my-life fall apart.

Called the clinic. They didn't have the results yet as I predicted. SO I went to the hospital to get them.

According to them, 5w1d. Not 4w3d. That's a pretty good improvement in my book.

Finally, the clinic calls me back. The hospital did not send the images, just the report. They are still freaking out and want me to see my OB. Okeedokee, so they call and talk to her, and since I have NO PAIN OR BLEEDING, she's not terribly worried. Keeping my original appointment for next week, we'll just have blood and ultrasound stat. So no more bloodwork or ultrasounds until then unless I feel like death and have to go to the ER.

Monday, August 25, 2014

STILL Pregnant Update #10 - 6w5d

My so crazy.

Today I got my beta back, 1152. Just between oh hey, good news, and oh shit, bad news.

Got the call from my clinic, and they wanted me to go to the ER asap. Or this nurse did. BTW, I was still on my high from getting to park in the expectant mother space and was shopping for maternity clothes.

SO after much insanity with the scheduling line and the charge nurse and the hospital, I got my scan. It took a while, and the tech was checking my left side hard. She didn't give me things like opinions like...does it look like a pregnancy, does it look like an ectopic. She did say my ovaries and uterus look healthy, nothing was in between that wasn't supposed to be, no internal bleeding, etc. Right before she was about to finish she passed over my uterus one more time and lo and behold, a perfect circle with a gray ring right below my endometrial line that measured 3.8 mm. I'm gonna take that as a good thing. I called the emergency nurse line and she thought that sounded all fine and dandy, but was confused as to why I had to be seen tonight since I had no pain and no bleeding. Beats me, lady. I'd have rather waited until tomorrow.

Right now I'm measuring between 4 and 5 weeks, but I've read that can be off by as much as a week. How is this baby still growing? I have no fucking clue, just hard-headed and stubborn as me, I guess. It obviously is growing, because that sac wasn't there 3 days ago.

I know I'll have another scan at my ob appt which is at 8 weeks exactly but what happens in between is anyone's guess.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


A friend brought it up to me that since there were 11 days between my last two betas, it's possible that my level was higher and it's on it's way down. Very good point. I also thought this myself as the time it took my levels to double almost doubled itself. 5w6d was the day I felt most pregnant. Now, I feel pms-y.

Still here: boob tenderness (progesterone), headaches (usually get these right at ovulation and the day before my period, I guess progesterone changes), weird twinges everywhere, the glow, skinny ankles, fatigue (could be progesterone), and increased heart rate. That's the only thing giving me hope that there is hcg in my system, though I experienced it early, so it's quite possible my levels are still going down. 

Gone: food aversions, weight changes (now back up to where I was pre-transfer), acid reflux, nausea

I haven't had the heart to test again and I've been so tired lately from work, I don't want to go to the store. And honestly, I don't want to know yet either. I want to stay right here in semi-pregnant possibility land, where miracles can happen. 

And of course, the night before yesterday, I had the weirdest feelings on my left side, so of course I freaked out, until they started happening on the right side and didn't appear all day yesterday despite walking up a big bridge for a 5k. Yeah, I did my first 5k, and I walked over a bridge, two things I've always really wanted to do. I figure in any case, extra blood flow will help move whatever the case is along. That being said, endorphin highs are amazing. I really loved life for an hour, my life. Despite all the bad shit. Plus it was a gorgeous location and the sun was setting. 

Tomorrow is possible D-day. If my beta comes back lower, I'm almost certain I'll quit the progesterone and just let it happen. If it comes back higher, but not a lot? I don't really know. We'll see. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Mind is a Powerful Thing

After yesterday's trauma, lots of adrenaline, and whatever hormones are involved in crying, I really don't feel pregnant anymore. I am not sure if my levels are decreasing or if it's all in my head blocking it out. I don't care about what I eat, I'm having mild headaches, I don't feel like I "glow" anymore, I just feel back to my old, shitty, bodily ways. Or maybe other people in the medical world like to call that depression? I don't know. All I know is, if it's bad, I really hope it's a miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy. I don't want a shot, I don't want surgery, and I don't want nasty, toxic scar tissue left behind. And I really, really, really don't want to consciously decide to end my pregnancy.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel really numb inside. With my cp, I was sooo devastated. I was crying everyday for about a month and had just given up. I'm more mad than anything about this though. It's not like I can hop back on the husband horse and try again next month. It's not that simple.

I don't have any idea what I really want to do. If I had another miscarriage, I didn't expect for it to happen like this. I thought maybe another chemical, or a baby that I would see and then it quit growing. This is just fucking weird. And abnormal. It is NOT normal for someone my age to have only two pregnancies 5 years apart that end in miscarriage. It just isn't. It's like a weird mix between I'm infertile but oh yeah, I'm in the recurrent miscarriage boat. I'm seriously considering karyotyping at this point and a more in-depth panel of some kind.

I really want to get off these meds, too. I need to purge.

Then again, I kinda just want to do it again. I don't want to lose this happy pregnancy train ride. Now I know how to get pregnant (IVF, acupuncture, good stuff) it doesn't seem so hard or up in the air, though I know I may never get a bfp again. And I really hate the idea of not using my embies.

But if it's ectopic, or worse, PUL? First of all, how does that happen. I can see an ectopic but you're telling me my embryo swam all the way up my tube to the outside of my reproductive organs? I doubt it, unless I have holes in my uterus no one told me about.

Maybe the clinic's right. Maybe it's allll normal. How is this little bean making it? I will never know. Again, I'm not used to being the miracle girl. Maybe next week I'll see my baby with a heartbeat, though I'll take anything that says it's located in the uterus.