Tuesday, December 16, 2014

FET #3 First Update! Baseline!

Technically, this is FET #3 because that is how many are listed on my portal. #1 - Cancelled, #2 - Completed *the miscarriage*, and this one, #3. Hopefully that clarifies any confusion.

So, is my PCOS better? No. My ultrasound images look soo weird. Just...nasty. So much darkness and cysts galore on the left. Big ones, small ones, round ones, stretch all the way around ones...They just didn't look right. I almost suspect endo because 1-2 weeks ago I had intense pelvic pain just like I was getting my period and it never came. Also, my whole area below my belly button is sore to the touch...including my hips. Ugh. It's all just...worse.

Anyway!

Labs came back fine, so did the ultrasound report. I might be adding lovenox and prednisone, I just don't know yet. But the estrace has started and damn, I was in such a good mood today. I also cut 2 minutes off my 5k time and I haven't ran in quite a while.

I have an ultrasound in 10 more days so...yep! I'll definitely update by then.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

What the damn hell???!!!

I love HIMYM. Finally finished the series on netflix. So bittersweet.

ANYway...I got the results of my AMH test back. In 2010 when I was 19, it came back 3.7 on the ng/mol scale. I was a bit horrified as the research at the time suggested that due to that level at that age, even though it's a fantastic number for most on the infertility roller coaster, I was going to go into early menopause, not to be confused with premature menopause, just early. But if my menopause happened at 40, and fertility becomes way hard starting 10 years before that, that meant 30 for me, and if there's anything I hate, it's being rushed.

So when I had it restested again, now 24, I expected it to be, or rather hoped it to be, where all my understanding with the research put it....0.2 less a year times 5 years so 2.7.

That is not what I got back, nope, not at all.

I asked the nurse and she said it was a "very good number" and I was like yes what is it!??!?! When she told me, I had to ask if it was p/mol or ng/mol because I didn't really believe it.

5.6.    FIVE POINT SIX!!!

I mean, what the damn hell? We ARE talking about the same hormone right? That doesn't change, doesn't go up, decreases with age AND higher BMI? And sure enough, there it is. I can't explain it. There is some data that a low vitamin D level will artificially surpress it, and I don't know if that is the case for me, just that I know I am not D deficient now.

Things I know that happened in the last 4 years...

  • I gained 20 pounds
  • I got way more acne
  • My hair got funky
  • I tried vitex, soy isoflavones, metformin, clomid, femara, royal jelly, melatonin, coQ10, blah blah.
  • I did acupuncture twice
  • I ate a lot more fish, thanks to sushi
  • I cut back on my gluten *celiac and crohn's can prevent absorption of vitamin D*
  • I did IVF with injectables
  • I had a miscarriage


Things I know that have happened in the month that I was tested...

  • Taking my prenatal regularly with evening primrose oil and myoinositol
  • Exercise

So really, it beats me how that happened, but I don't care, because I am doing my happy dance. I also think that it's possible I just may have hit my peak later, which according to studies is about 19-20, but it wouldn't be that crazy to be off by 4 years, especially because I didn't get my period until I was 14.

And OH! In another "Suck it, Infertility!" story, my friend who was having trouble TTC? Yeah, I had the dream. We also had a long talk about how I thought his RE was a big jerkface trying to suck money out of him and gave him some suggestions on how to help the boys out so we made a wager that if it worked by the New Year, he'd pay my storage fee for my embies.

I WON! Booya! I guess everyone wins in that situation.

Also, I'm feeling very PMS-y like I did last month and I'm on CD 26 so maybe AF will be here on time again, wouldn't that be great?

Monday, November 10, 2014

Quick Post

Sooo...

Running may be my best friend if it doesn't kill me first.

I've definitely inherited my sister's shin splints and I definitely need to get some arch supports.

Anyway, the good news is that AF showed up 28 days after my last negative HPT so right on time. For once! But it is really heavy, especially for a short cycle and I had bad cramps for 2 days. Sometimes I forget I have that fibroid.

But dunt dun duh...am I going to try again? Well...honestly, I don't have the money nor the time. Ok, so maybe I could hop on the pill and it'd all pan out for an FET buuut...I am feeling so damn ambivalent about it now. However, I can't stand the thought of paying $1400 for them to just pop that baby in there I mean...the heck? Not to mention all the other associated costs. Oh yeah, and paying the $300 for storage so I'm really banging my head against the wall. It is also totally possible that come tax time, I get that much back so I don't have to really worry about it.

Also, I'm considering taking on a second job and maybe moving to Germany sooo...

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

1st vs 2nd miscarriage

My feelings about my 1st and 2nd miscarriage are so different from one another. I guess that's ok, because the experiences are so different.

With my first, I didn't have physical proof of pregnancy until it was over. I didn't know I had a miscarriage until it was over. I believe implantation had started and then low progesterone from just coming off the pill intervened and I had a period, and did not get a positive until then. Then again, I hadn't tested for a week before that. I knew, Knew, KNEW I was pregnant. I just felt her (and I will call it her, because I feel it was a girl). And I had dreams about getting positive tests. My ex-husband thought I was crazy until I came screaming out of the bathroom. Now that I look back, I wonder what my beta was because it came up positive as soon as the pee hit it. And here's where it gets bad and I think caused me to grieve so much. I had no idea anything was wrong with me at that moment. I had never really been too symptomatic before using birth control. I was charting because I am that type A, scientific, crazy, control freak and I wanted to make sure everything was ok and that we'd time it right...which btw, that month was an oops. I had never planned on getting pregnant so fast. My ex wanted to, and by the time I lost my 2nd pack of pills that month and insurance wouldn't pay for another, I figured what the hell. As much as I thought he cared while I was pregnant, because he was honestly wonderful for that very short time, he did not seem to give two shits afterward. And we could have not been further apart. I cried all. day. long. I wouldn't shower everyday, I stopped eating as much. And we fought. Mostly over how I refused to eliminate any and all signs that someone in that house was planning on or going to have a baby before my mother-in-law came to visit us. None of my friends understood, not even my mother. I even had several people as me after I told them if I was going to abort. To me, this was unfathomable. I was married, had enough money that I could stay home, and more importantly, I desperately wanted to be a mother, and they knew that. I guess it was just my age but I felt like I constantly had to justify the existence of my child. If I talked about her, people would ask me what the hell I was talking about, how did I really KNOW I was pregnant, etc. It was terrible. No one ever brought up her due date, no one ever asked how I was feeling, nothing. And truth be told, my ex had experienced a late-term loss with someone else later on, and it affected him deeply which is understandable. But our child? Nope. Who cared?! I cared. And I was the only one. Up until starting IVF, I still dreamed of her, all the time. I'd think of my life with her, just driving in the car, walking around a park, sitting on the beach, it didn't matter. Every April 10th, I'd wake up and cry. I'd cry because I knew there would be no birthday party. I'd never see her blow out candles, or open up presents. I never got to see her in any way, and all I had were memories of what it seemed like were from my own reality.

The second one is different. I had signs the day I got pregnant. I kept seeing double rainbows everywhere. I had his picture, I saw him being put in. I felt so confident that day. I also had no symptoms. It wasn't until I got that feeling of "knowing" again did I test. And of course, dreams of positive tests at that. My betas never doubled from the start, but I tried to not let that bother me. I remember having a break down one day around 6 weeks. I could not get excited, I just had fear. Every time my beta still came back rising, I was always surprised. After the first ultrasound, I think I knew but I tried to have faith like everyone told me. I didn't know why it was continuing but I knew it was not going to end well. At this point, everyone had known. Everyone had believed me. This baby was as real to me as it was to even my just acquaintances. There was no father to let me down, just me. But other people cared, too, so I wasn't alone in it. I had a long time to deal with the possibility of a miscarriage. I knew I could survive, because I had done it before. I knew what probably went wrong, and knew so many other people went through this, that the only lingering questions were about my future ability to have a healthy child. I felt I knew his personality (according to the Ramzi method, it was a boy) and I gave him a name, but I could never, ever see him. I couldn't picture his face, I couldn't imagine life with him. I guess I knew that whatever fantasies I had, it couldn't match up to reality anyway. I couldn't speculate about him because I didn't really know him. But I got so much more time with him. I got to pass him, I got to see him, I have pictures. I got to bury him so I can always visit him. But I don't feel devastated. I don't feel depressed. I do feel like a failure. I feel responsible for their passings even though I know that's crazy. And I feel guilty that I'm not crazy sad.

The worst part and the time I cried the most, was when I came home the day I buried him. I thought I had put him and all the other products of conception in a rather air-tight container....it was not. I smelt it, and there were flies trying to get in there. Flies on my baby. Not. Cool. I think that's when I really connected the most and it really felt like he was gone.

This past weekend I attended a wedding and someone asked me when I was due. It took me a second to realize they didn't ask because I LOOKED pregnant, but because last time we talked, I was. It really hurt seeing so much happiness missing from my own life and all the small children running around. It also hurt because it had been exactly a month since I miscarried and nobody who knew had asked how I was doing. Showed no concern. And that sucked. Nobody has asked at all, like it never even happened. I think I'm pretty much done grieving sometimes but it's not like I'm over it. I'm never going to be over it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Quarter-Life Crisis Mode

I don't know about super duper rich people, but infertility is...constantly making sacrifices, constantly choosing to do what's best for having a baby over every other desire. That's probably my least favorite part and I struggle with it a lot.

I look at my life and ask myself how did I get here? I'm not going to say I had the worst childhood but I swore to myself, when I became an adult and could make my own choices, I'd be happy, I'd give myself everything I ever wanted.

I'm sortof having a quarter life crisis.

My birthday is next month and I'm dreading it.

I honestly feel so unfulfilled and behind. The only thing I AM ahead in is being divorced and infertile. Woo, go me...

Infertility can fuck you up, and bad.

I'm going to be honest when I say this whole college thing? A fucking joke. My gpa is shot. I mean, shot. I can graduate, but I won't get into any graduate programs, not even an AS in a health-related concentration. I just, I just don't care! There I said it. I don't fucking care. I don't care to get a different job if it's just me I'm supporting the rest of my life. I don't care about making money to go on vacations every year if it's just me. And I tell myself get over it and just go to class but, I just don't fucking care.

The only way any of this shit matters to me is if I'm a parent and quite honestly, I've defined my whole future around the concept and now the future is here and nothing has changed except maybe I'm swimming more in the deep end of the pool than before.

I find it so pathetic that I have to write a list down of things I want to incorporate into my life and check it daily to see how much I'm not accomplishing. Stupid lame things that I want or wanted to do but never did, and there's so many things I am doing that I honestly don't want to do.

I'm sitting in this muck of feelings and it's like, I have to change something because this is it, this is my peak. And I go back and forth all the time about how if I do xyz, I have to put off TTC. And then I'll hate myself if it doesn't work. But let's be real here, it hasn't worked and I already hate myself so I'm thinking, well, what harm could it really do? What if pursuing everything else leads to something fantastic?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Recovery

I couldn't think of a better title for this post.

Recovery. It's a struggle.

I'm working on a post on comparing and contrasting my feelings after my first miscarriage vs my second, but to just throw this out here, recovery has been easier the second time around and for so many various reasons.

I also want to address my PCOS and how that may or may not have changed post-pregnancy. I'm going to assume that it's almost comparable to how it would go after delivery assuming one was not breastfeeding. However, it's only been 12 days since I stopped bleeding and about a month since I stopped producing hCG. That's not to say it's still not in my system, it was, in a very minute amount about 2 weeks ago. My Dr. instructed me to pee on a ye old stick and I followed it out till it was too light to count as bfp. With all that in mind, here goes:

Well, for one, and I don't know if this would go for non-medicated cycles, but after being pumped full of estrogen for more months than the length of a third trimester with the same intensity as a third trimester, my hair has begun it's normal shedding cycle. It's not so bad that I'd link it to how I lose hair when I'm stressed, but it was getting pretty nice and thick there for a while.

A positive thing is that my stray dark hairs are not so many anymore. I used to have one right under my belly button. One. Grew in the same place over and over. I called it Mr. Happy but I haven't seen hide nor hair (ha. hahaha) of him since my bfp. I did realize the other day that if the hair on my face was dark, I'd be fucked. But it isn't. I don't know exactly when that came about or if it was always there. I've always had baby blonde hairs on my face ever since I was a little kid. Not too concerned about it.

Fat distribution. Pregnancy does great things for your butt, I assume it's the estrogen. The placement of fat on my body has definitely changed a bit in regards to that. I'd rather be a pear than an apple. It looks like I'm two parts mushed together at the crotch. My upper body is rather thick I'd say, and the lower part is some other skinny bitch that I haven't seen in years. But it's all coming together now!

One bad is that all the hormonal emotional insanity came back pretty quick. I'm trying to counter that with exercise and evening primrose oil. I still have my moments.

My skin has some of the first hints of a glow, rosy cheeks, which I got before the REAL glow came in. It's also fall, and the humidity changes in Florida and EVERY year since I was even old enough to get a blackhead, my skin dries out, peels, breaks out, but I'm not oily! It's a rather vicious cycle. I can't really say too much about the acne issue yet.

Oh, and all my cravings to eat shit food returned too. I have been trying to not give in! I started running and training for a 5K but then injured myself, which I'm almost better from, so I've been really focusing on protein intake and staying off the gluten to lower inflammation.

So I guess now I'll just wait and see how things go. My DREAM would to be asymptomatic, at least as far as the irregular cycles/infertility thing goes. I see a lot of women asking on the web if their pcos will get better after pregnancy, but I think there's just no way to know. What I do know is that with this disease, it is always changing. Symptoms change, the intensity changes, weight changes, cycles change, etc. But no two women have it exactly alike at one time. Some meds work great for some, for others they do nothing. That's the only guarantee with this is change. I guess we all can only hope for a change for the better.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The World Works in Mysterious Ways

I don't have a balanced translocation.

Did I get the test done? Well no, kinda, sorta...

I was watching this story on the news about PGS and this woman had a miscarriage and later did IVF with PGS because she had a balanced translocation. How did she know this? Her mother had it, and did an amnio with her when she was pregnant.

Guess who's mom had amnio done....

MEEE!

Guess who came up scott free....

MEEE!!!!

Booya.

That's a nice chunk of change I don't have to worry about spending.