Monday, November 10, 2014

Quick Post


Running may be my best friend if it doesn't kill me first.

I've definitely inherited my sister's shin splints and I definitely need to get some arch supports.

Anyway, the good news is that AF showed up 28 days after my last negative HPT so right on time. For once! But it is really heavy, especially for a short cycle and I had bad cramps for 2 days. Sometimes I forget I have that fibroid.

But dunt dun I going to try again? Well...honestly, I don't have the money nor the time. Ok, so maybe I could hop on the pill and it'd all pan out for an FET buuut...I am feeling so damn ambivalent about it now. However, I can't stand the thought of paying $1400 for them to just pop that baby in there I mean...the heck? Not to mention all the other associated costs. Oh yeah, and paying the $300 for storage so I'm really banging my head against the wall. It is also totally possible that come tax time, I get that much back so I don't have to really worry about it.

Also, I'm considering taking on a second job and maybe moving to Germany sooo...

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

1st vs 2nd miscarriage

My feelings about my 1st and 2nd miscarriage are so different from one another. I guess that's ok, because the experiences are so different.

With my first, I didn't have physical proof of pregnancy until it was over. I didn't know I had a miscarriage until it was over. I believe implantation had started and then low progesterone from just coming off the pill intervened and I had a period, and did not get a positive until then. Then again, I hadn't tested for a week before that. I knew, Knew, KNEW I was pregnant. I just felt her (and I will call it her, because I feel it was a girl). And I had dreams about getting positive tests. My ex-husband thought I was crazy until I came screaming out of the bathroom. Now that I look back, I wonder what my beta was because it came up positive as soon as the pee hit it. And here's where it gets bad and I think caused me to grieve so much. I had no idea anything was wrong with me at that moment. I had never really been too symptomatic before using birth control. I was charting because I am that type A, scientific, crazy, control freak and I wanted to make sure everything was ok and that we'd time it right...which btw, that month was an oops. I had never planned on getting pregnant so fast. My ex wanted to, and by the time I lost my 2nd pack of pills that month and insurance wouldn't pay for another, I figured what the hell. As much as I thought he cared while I was pregnant, because he was honestly wonderful for that very short time, he did not seem to give two shits afterward. And we could have not been further apart. I cried all. day. long. I wouldn't shower everyday, I stopped eating as much. And we fought. Mostly over how I refused to eliminate any and all signs that someone in that house was planning on or going to have a baby before my mother-in-law came to visit us. None of my friends understood, not even my mother. I even had several people as me after I told them if I was going to abort. To me, this was unfathomable. I was married, had enough money that I could stay home, and more importantly, I desperately wanted to be a mother, and they knew that. I guess it was just my age but I felt like I constantly had to justify the existence of my child. If I talked about her, people would ask me what the hell I was talking about, how did I really KNOW I was pregnant, etc. It was terrible. No one ever brought up her due date, no one ever asked how I was feeling, nothing. And truth be told, my ex had experienced a late-term loss with someone else later on, and it affected him deeply which is understandable. But our child? Nope. Who cared?! I cared. And I was the only one. Up until starting IVF, I still dreamed of her, all the time. I'd think of my life with her, just driving in the car, walking around a park, sitting on the beach, it didn't matter. Every April 10th, I'd wake up and cry. I'd cry because I knew there would be no birthday party. I'd never see her blow out candles, or open up presents. I never got to see her in any way, and all I had were memories of what it seemed like were from my own reality.

The second one is different. I had signs the day I got pregnant. I kept seeing double rainbows everywhere. I had his picture, I saw him being put in. I felt so confident that day. I also had no symptoms. It wasn't until I got that feeling of "knowing" again did I test. And of course, dreams of positive tests at that. My betas never doubled from the start, but I tried to not let that bother me. I remember having a break down one day around 6 weeks. I could not get excited, I just had fear. Every time my beta still came back rising, I was always surprised. After the first ultrasound, I think I knew but I tried to have faith like everyone told me. I didn't know why it was continuing but I knew it was not going to end well. At this point, everyone had known. Everyone had believed me. This baby was as real to me as it was to even my just acquaintances. There was no father to let me down, just me. But other people cared, too, so I wasn't alone in it. I had a long time to deal with the possibility of a miscarriage. I knew I could survive, because I had done it before. I knew what probably went wrong, and knew so many other people went through this, that the only lingering questions were about my future ability to have a healthy child. I felt I knew his personality (according to the Ramzi method, it was a boy) and I gave him a name, but I could never, ever see him. I couldn't picture his face, I couldn't imagine life with him. I guess I knew that whatever fantasies I had, it couldn't match up to reality anyway. I couldn't speculate about him because I didn't really know him. But I got so much more time with him. I got to pass him, I got to see him, I have pictures. I got to bury him so I can always visit him. But I don't feel devastated. I don't feel depressed. I do feel like a failure. I feel responsible for their passings even though I know that's crazy. And I feel guilty that I'm not crazy sad.

The worst part and the time I cried the most, was when I came home the day I buried him. I thought I had put him and all the other products of conception in a rather air-tight was not. I smelt it, and there were flies trying to get in there. Flies on my baby. Not. Cool. I think that's when I really connected the most and it really felt like he was gone.

This past weekend I attended a wedding and someone asked me when I was due. It took me a second to realize they didn't ask because I LOOKED pregnant, but because last time we talked, I was. It really hurt seeing so much happiness missing from my own life and all the small children running around. It also hurt because it had been exactly a month since I miscarried and nobody who knew had asked how I was doing. Showed no concern. And that sucked. Nobody has asked at all, like it never even happened. I think I'm pretty much done grieving sometimes but it's not like I'm over it. I'm never going to be over it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Quarter-Life Crisis Mode

I don't know about super duper rich people, but infertility is...constantly making sacrifices, constantly choosing to do what's best for having a baby over every other desire. That's probably my least favorite part and I struggle with it a lot.

I look at my life and ask myself how did I get here? I'm not going to say I had the worst childhood but I swore to myself, when I became an adult and could make my own choices, I'd be happy, I'd give myself everything I ever wanted.

I'm sortof having a quarter life crisis.

My birthday is next month and I'm dreading it.

I honestly feel so unfulfilled and behind. The only thing I AM ahead in is being divorced and infertile. Woo, go me...

Infertility can fuck you up, and bad.

I'm going to be honest when I say this whole college thing? A fucking joke. My gpa is shot. I mean, shot. I can graduate, but I won't get into any graduate programs, not even an AS in a health-related concentration. I just, I just don't care! There I said it. I don't fucking care. I don't care to get a different job if it's just me I'm supporting the rest of my life. I don't care about making money to go on vacations every year if it's just me. And I tell myself get over it and just go to class but, I just don't fucking care.

The only way any of this shit matters to me is if I'm a parent and quite honestly, I've defined my whole future around the concept and now the future is here and nothing has changed except maybe I'm swimming more in the deep end of the pool than before.

I find it so pathetic that I have to write a list down of things I want to incorporate into my life and check it daily to see how much I'm not accomplishing. Stupid lame things that I want or wanted to do but never did, and there's so many things I am doing that I honestly don't want to do.

I'm sitting in this muck of feelings and it's like, I have to change something because this is it, this is my peak. And I go back and forth all the time about how if I do xyz, I have to put off TTC. And then I'll hate myself if it doesn't work. But let's be real here, it hasn't worked and I already hate myself so I'm thinking, well, what harm could it really do? What if pursuing everything else leads to something fantastic?

Saturday, October 18, 2014


I couldn't think of a better title for this post.

Recovery. It's a struggle.

I'm working on a post on comparing and contrasting my feelings after my first miscarriage vs my second, but to just throw this out here, recovery has been easier the second time around and for so many various reasons.

I also want to address my PCOS and how that may or may not have changed post-pregnancy. I'm going to assume that it's almost comparable to how it would go after delivery assuming one was not breastfeeding. However, it's only been 12 days since I stopped bleeding and about a month since I stopped producing hCG. That's not to say it's still not in my system, it was, in a very minute amount about 2 weeks ago. My Dr. instructed me to pee on a ye old stick and I followed it out till it was too light to count as bfp. With all that in mind, here goes:

Well, for one, and I don't know if this would go for non-medicated cycles, but after being pumped full of estrogen for more months than the length of a third trimester with the same intensity as a third trimester, my hair has begun it's normal shedding cycle. It's not so bad that I'd link it to how I lose hair when I'm stressed, but it was getting pretty nice and thick there for a while.

A positive thing is that my stray dark hairs are not so many anymore. I used to have one right under my belly button. One. Grew in the same place over and over. I called it Mr. Happy but I haven't seen hide nor hair (ha. hahaha) of him since my bfp. I did realize the other day that if the hair on my face was dark, I'd be fucked. But it isn't. I don't know exactly when that came about or if it was always there. I've always had baby blonde hairs on my face ever since I was a little kid. Not too concerned about it.

Fat distribution. Pregnancy does great things for your butt, I assume it's the estrogen. The placement of fat on my body has definitely changed a bit in regards to that. I'd rather be a pear than an apple. It looks like I'm two parts mushed together at the crotch. My upper body is rather thick I'd say, and the lower part is some other skinny bitch that I haven't seen in years. But it's all coming together now!

One bad is that all the hormonal emotional insanity came back pretty quick. I'm trying to counter that with exercise and evening primrose oil. I still have my moments.

My skin has some of the first hints of a glow, rosy cheeks, which I got before the REAL glow came in. It's also fall, and the humidity changes in Florida and EVERY year since I was even old enough to get a blackhead, my skin dries out, peels, breaks out, but I'm not oily! It's a rather vicious cycle. I can't really say too much about the acne issue yet.

Oh, and all my cravings to eat shit food returned too. I have been trying to not give in! I started running and training for a 5K but then injured myself, which I'm almost better from, so I've been really focusing on protein intake and staying off the gluten to lower inflammation.

So I guess now I'll just wait and see how things go. My DREAM would to be asymptomatic, at least as far as the irregular cycles/infertility thing goes. I see a lot of women asking on the web if their pcos will get better after pregnancy, but I think there's just no way to know. What I do know is that with this disease, it is always changing. Symptoms change, the intensity changes, weight changes, cycles change, etc. But no two women have it exactly alike at one time. Some meds work great for some, for others they do nothing. That's the only guarantee with this is change. I guess we all can only hope for a change for the better.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The World Works in Mysterious Ways

I don't have a balanced translocation.

Did I get the test done? Well no, kinda, sorta...

I was watching this story on the news about PGS and this woman had a miscarriage and later did IVF with PGS because she had a balanced translocation. How did she know this? Her mother had it, and did an amnio with her when she was pregnant.

Guess who's mom had amnio done....


Guess who came up scott free....



That's a nice chunk of change I don't have to worry about spending.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Another Miscarriage *triggers galore*

Wednesday: Had a dream about my beta being lower, started random cramping and spotting. Cervix was open, and all of this came and went throughout the day.

Thursday: All in all, less than Wednesday. Blood was more brown, Beta was 1700 something though I didn't know this until...

Friday: Sac at the ultrasound was back down to 3mm, still in the same place and my lining was around 21 mm I believe so I knew it would get worse before it was over. Relatively pain free and blood was only there when I wiped up to this point. Went to work which was fine.

Saturday: Got the feeling I'd be calling out Sunday. More crampy and finally started bleeding onto the pad. Still lighter and less painful than my normal periods.

Sunday: Woke up feeling a tad crampy, but I popped a vicodin just in case because during my periods, things get worse as I wake up. This was at 2, and I decided to try to stick it out at work. By 3, I realized that it was not helping and if it was, I didn't want to know what it would have felt like if I didn't take anything. The pain was so weird. First of all, it felt like all my organs were upside down and switched horizontally. The pain would shoot up into my ribs and at the same time, I think my pelvic floor muscles hurt too because I could seriously feel it in my butthole and my...well...I'll use the term labia. I'm not used to pain there, I don't know anyone who is. All this time I feel like I'm going to pass out, like I'm hanging on in some weird consciousness. I lay in bed with a heating pad thrashing around and yelling like a person going through withdrawals. It hurts so insanely bad, at some points I go to the bathroom to clean up, which is useless because there really isn't much blood. I feel my cervix and it's rather closed. Oh well, no wonder! I had read some stories about ladies pushing so I try, doesn't really work. At this point it's about 5:30 and I take another vicodin and go in and out of sleep. 7:30 I wake up and go to the bathroom to pee. First comes a clot, then comes something much bigger, and then another clot. I look down and the water is red. I think this is where my brain starts to realize that there is a big difference than the 3mm sac I was expecting and what's in the toilet. I immediately start to feel faint, super weak, and my legs are like jello. I sit down and realize I gotta get it out, so I do. It doesn't look anything like I'm expecting and I have nothing to put it in so I just sit it above the water so I can lay down for a minute and then get a container for it. I do this and attempt to wash some clots off of it. It is so weird, nothing like I've seen. It's about the size of a deflated balloon. Lumpy on the outside, smooth on the inside. White-cream colored, dense, almost like an organ or something. I peek inside and think I see something. A tiny, purple-grayish thing, like in between 5 and 6 weeks. No definite eyes, or arms, still has a tail, still curved, and it doesn't have that human appearance of the much larger head like at 7 or 8 weeks. I found it tucked into a corner, starting to think I'm not crazy for seeing that "blip" on the last ultrasound. I put it in a tin and go lay down some more. I've never felt so weak in my whole life. I keep asking myself, did I really see that? I try to go back and look but I can't, I feel so woozy. Does it make it a blighted ovum if there was a baby? Then why did it happen? Should I save the tissue? I didn't think there'd be so much. I try to go back to sleep but I can't. The cramps are less and so is the bleeding, maybe the worst is over.

Monday: Feeling a lot better in terms of physical strength. I've lost 2+ pounds. The bleeding and cramping are kind of like a light, regular period now. It rained today so I didn't bury the remains yet.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Happy 10 weeks to me! Not.

Today I was supposed to be celebrating no more progesterone.

I did my endometrin in the am, and my shot in the pm.

Now I'm bleeding. It started this afternoon, and I'm cramping, and my cervix feels open.

It's light, but it's not brown. It varies from pink to that rusty orange color, because honestly, it's diluted with a lot of cervical mucus.

I had a dream the night before last  that my next beta was 1500, which would be down, so I'm not surprised. If it's just my cervix being irritated, I'll be super surprised. No, it's not from DTD or anything, that hasn't happened in a while and when it did, it never did this.

OF COURSE, I must be making up all this shit in my head because like NONE of my friends believe me or get it. Like it's not happening, like this is just a normal pregnancy thing? HELLO!?! Are you from planet fucking moron? I sware, like, infertility makes everyone an asshole.

Please hurry up and be Friday.