Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Week 9

It ain't pretty but whatever. There's not much I can say right now. It's not like my baby is the size of a grape because it ain't. But I am definitely showing like it is. This was also taken when I first woke up so excuse the lack of a smile/makeup.


Monday, September 8, 2014

Pregnancy Update 14 - 8w5d

Time is slowly crawling by.

I spent the last few days not feeling pregnant at all, again.

Until yesterday.

I threw up three times in one day.

And swinging on a swing-set gets me nauseous within five minutes. I don't foresee my theme park trip going well....

Today was just the same as any other "pregnant" day. Tired. Thirsty. Poopy. Heavy breathing. Brain doesn't work.

The bloat from last week has went away a lot and I still have a bump, which looks more appropriate for the size of my uterus.

It really sucks knowing this might all be for nothing, and people I haven't told are starting to catch on. I want to hide it but at the same time? Fuck it. I might never be pregnant again.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

Pregnancy Update #13 - 8w1d...supposedly

I may very well be putting up my last belly pic.

My ob is very cautiously optimistic...or decidedly not pessimistic.

The IVF clinic has doomed me.

And it's sort of hilarious that they're both more interested in what the other says.

I threw up again twice after the first time. My beta came back 1985.

I have an appointment in two weeks for the "final word". The plan is to just take me off progesterone and see what my body does. Obviously you can't support a pregnancy without it, so logically, it should motivate a natural miscarriage. If not, we move to cytotec, not that I want to touch the stuff, but this isn't really labor so...I want to pass it at home so I can bury it, and I feel I kinda need to go through it.

My ob helped me figure out some things...testing of the miscarriage: A. expensive B. not always accurate C. not likely to find enough fetal cells anyway Verdict? Not worth the money. Karyotyping myself: A. expensive B. not likely to find anything (I believe the rate of which people who actually have recurrent miscarriages and turn up positive is less than 5%) and C. can't really treat it

What could I use that money on? PGS. And here I am again, pretty much deciding on something I never wanted to do. Just like IVF. Infertility does that to you. I never wanted to resort to IVF in the beginning, and I later didn't want to do PGS/PGD but now I feel like it's my best bet.

But what to do with my remaining embies? Honestly, I wish one wouldn't thaw, and then I could justify putting two in. Leaving one in the balance would feel weird almost. And it's already September. If I do miscarry, I have to wait for my levels to go down, bleed, and build up the lining. That hardly leaves room to do 2 FETs by the end of the year. And I wouldn't really want to pay $300 for storage for a year to end up using it within the first couple months of said year.

I hate to sound doom and gloom, but my OB is actually quite optimistic. She wants me to enjoy being pregnant but I never feel as pregnant when I get bad news. Still skinny and pooping 24/7 though. That's about it for the symptoms. I feel really weird sensations in my pelvis and abdomen. I really don't think it'll be good news, and I feel I've been preparing myself for it. It kills me to say but I wasn't that attached anyway, at least, not in anything but an abstract sense. I kind of knew it wasn't going to go good but I didn't want to officially put that vibe out there in the world. I mean, fucking great if it all turns out ok and I'll damn sure be relieved and happy but, I'm focusing more of my energy figuring out how I'm going to survive the worst.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Week 8

These are both me at 8 weeks, one with bloat, and one without. It makes a BIG difference. By the way, the one with the blue shirt has water all on the mirror so it distorts my face, but not the bump, and that's what matters.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Ultrasound Update

I sware, no one else has weird lines going into their sacs! Measuring only a day ahead from a week ago, but 2-3mm bigger in sac size. And what the hell is that in there, fuzz? Thanks to Google, my best guess is the beginnings of a yolk sac. Still doesn't guarantee anything but it doesn't seem to have been there before. 


Sunday, August 31, 2014

Pregnancy Update #12 - 7w5d

Wow. Almost 8 weeks.

There's nothing really new to say except...

I finally threw up!

Yes, it finally happened.

The victim was a banana. Poor thing, I had only eaten it about 10 minutes ago.

The throwing up wasn't that bad, I wouldn't mind doing it more.

It just makes me feel like yes, maybe things are still going good. This is SUPPOSED to happen.

But FYI, it wasn't morning sickness. This happened at 9:30 at night.

I'm still doing my happy dance about it.

Infertility makes you weird.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Pregnancy Update #11 - 7w2d

I am so happy with life right now.

I think things will turn out fine. Maybe I'm wrong but, I think so. I also had a dream that I had an ultrasound and we saw the baby so that is giving me some comfort.

I had a blessing in disguise this week. I haven't told my employers but SOMEbody just went ahead and did that for me. She's on my shit list. However, it forced the conversation and as of now, I'm labeled a part-time employee. I work full-time hours. We have been short staffed for a while and my boss usually asks me first what hours I want so I easily work 4-6 days a week when school doesn't interfere. Because I habitually work 30+ hours a week, I get medical, dental, and vision. To be honest, I haven't touched my vision or dental. Anyway, so I had to talk to my boss's boss and the consensus is that I will be going full time so as to keep my benefits and pay off my medical bills and I will now accrue vacation and sick time which I can possibly use before or after the baby gets here. On top of that, half of my hours will be doing a type of database entry which doesn't exactly take 20 hours a week, but that's how they pay it. I can come in anytime I want and do it, just sit in a room by myself on the computer aka heaven, no stress. I'm thinking that after I have the baby, I could do that, plus one 12 hour shift a week *probably a weekend*, so I can still keep the benefits and I won't need daycare, or more importantly, not have to spend half my paycheck on daycare. 99% of my friends have kids and jobs so I'm thinking we could trade off time for payment. I take their kid x amount of hours, they do the same for me. Or I just find a teenager I trust who wants to make some cash on the weekend. I told my oldest sister finally and she has more than offered to babysit, just about a thousand times :). This is all working out really well and putting my mind at ease.

With all this uncertainty about the pregnancy going on, I've found it comforting to just proceed like it's going to all be ok, keeping a sense of normalcy going. So with that in mind, I got SO much stuff at Motherhood Maternity today. God bless Jessica Simpson. I had a coupon for 20% off and wound up getting 3 shorts, 1 pair of jeans, 3 shirts, and one amazing dress for $150. They also threw in a bottle from the brand I was considering and a $20 shutterfly card. I really can't stand the heat. I almost died walking around campus a few days ago. I hate the way everything fits me and most of the stuff my sister gave me is too small now in the bust or is thick like for winter wear. More importantly, I FOUND BRAS! For the record, the store brand's band size of 40 is equivalent to Victoria's Secret 36. I.e. the 40E MM was almost identical to a 36DDD VS. I'm a very happy girl now and they have bras online that go up to 42H so I am covered!

Where I am not covered is my 8 week appt. I had to cancel because I have labs and I forgot but my ob is booked out about 3 weeks....yeah, not cool. I think I'm just going to reuse my order for blood and u/s on Tuesday or Wednesday because I need to know something! Hopefully, there's good news. As long as it looks like things are developing along the lines as they would have according to the dates of the last u/s, I'll consider it good. If the baby is totally caught up or somewhere in the middle, that'd be better.