Thursday, April 10, 2014

On Hold

So this week started off phenomenal.

My nephew was born! 8 pounds, 9.5 ounces, 21 inches long.

'Tis the year of the giants! Ok not really, but he is a bigger version of my niece, they look just alike!

I also took a brief stay-cation to St. Augustine. Best. Idea. Ever.

I stayed in this wonderful, luxurious hotel, found my life's calling on a boat, and generally had a frickin' blast. Total stress reliever, and didn't break the bank.

What DID break the bank was needing to have my breaks replaced, my phone shitting out on me, and my trip to the ER.

I don't know WHAT happened. I was driving home from trying to get some food, forgot my bank card, and as I was driving, I almost passed the fuck out and almost hit someone head on, and experienced every symptom listed as a woman during a heart attack. Except I didn't have a heart attack. The EKG today told me so. CT scan was clean, so was blood work, no strep, no mono, no sign of infection at all even though I'm getting over an allergy/cold thing. They did check my thyroid which was supposed to happen Monday at my regular doctor appointment, but I haven't gotten the results back yet. They told me not to drive if I was dizzy, which I was even the next day, and gave me some medicine for the dizziness which coincidentally lists dizziness and blurred vision as side effects...which was what I had! Not impressed, Western Medicine.

I still feel like shit. I took a great big nap today and I'm strongly considering going back to bed so in 24 hours, I've slept about....half of it. And I'm still tired.

Oh. Also to note. I'm going to try to go raw/vegan. What I mean is, if it ain't raw, it's vegan. But not vegan for ethical purposes so yes to honey! I don't care about the animals, not like that at least. All I know is Beyonce lost a super ton of weight so maybe I will too. And I will cheat, but I'm finding I don't really want to. Today I tried to eat some chicken, it didn't even taste good. And I will still eat cooked black beans, good protein and iron and other nutrients, and I'm sure as hell not eating them raw. All I know is that I am stuck at this weight. I exercised a little, and tried to eat better, which usually does the trick but nope, nothin'. I bet it's the thyroid.

So until I lose some of this weight and figure out what the heck is wrong with me, all FET plans are...on hold.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Financial Mumbo Jumbo

It has come to my attention that I've worried about losing my job about 3 times now in the past 1-2 months, which only terrifies me because no money = not being able to pay my ivf = what I assume is the defrosting of my embies. And that shit terrifies me.

But as it turns out, every time, there is no need to worry. I stress entirely too much about this all impending doom that never seems to come (except infertility, maybe that was the big doom I was waiting on?).

April is a weird month for me. First, National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up. Am I going to do anything about it except maybe wear a shirt to campus? Probably not. April 10th is also my would be due date for my angel baby. But this year, I'm not going to sit and mope and imagine my life with that ex-douche bag and the kid that would be. Does that mean I forgot? No. Definitely not. But the sting has lessened over time.

I've been trying to have a kid or affording to try to have a kid or trying to afford a kid now for about 5 years and I'm pretty much nowhere. I'm petrified of the future. Why? Because I really can't afford the next 5 years to go like this. In the next 5 years, this is really do or die, it's going to happen or it won't, unless I end up changing my mind about older parenting and adopting and all that mumbo jumbo.

Most days I still feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin. When does adulthood really kick in? I am not where I ever thought I'd be. I am behind in so many ways but ahead in others. I always feel like, if I didn't want kids, I'd be free to move places and take odd jobs and try new things that would lead to awesome experiences, but in the end, the fact that being a mom is the ultimate experience wins out. I'm sure I've said this before but, I am not ready to quit trying, but I have a definite, tangible end point.

I now have the time and sort of the money to go try another FET. But in the meantime, not doing anything feels a lot like doing nothing, and I hate doing nothing. When I am not working towards something, anxiety and restlessness kicks in. Though I seriously do not miss the crazy stress preparing for my fresh cycle was, there's a lot less that can go wrong at this point and a lot less to do with a FET. But if I'm going to do one, I need to get to it.

Since all my gut guesses have been right (that infertility might be something to worry about, that it actually was a problem, that clomid wouldn't work, that ivf wouldn't work the first try...), I'm gonna assume that this FET won't work either. But for some reason, I think maybe a 3rd or 4th will. I'm also thinking that I want to plan that if the next one doesn't work, we will jump right in to the next. And the next. Because I just want to be done. Honest to god, I just want to be pregnant or quit. At least for now.

Monday, March 31, 2014


Lately, my social life has been one big boom. I haven't wanted for any time with friends in a LONG time. It seems like I'm always going somewhere with someone and I'm having to fuse circles together just so I can take a breath.

And I love it!

To be honest, I'm just doing what most 20 year olds do. Going to the bar. Any bars, all bars. And theme parks. And beaches. Everything like that.

But would I be able to do that with kids? Apparently the answer is yes, because 99.9% of all my friends are moms and that's who I'm out with.

You'd think it'd make me more appreciative of my non-mom status. Honestly, it doesn't. I'd still trade it all in a second, and I'm giving up on trying to convince myself that not having kids can be a good thing, blah blah blah. It's not working. I still think that living this lifestyle is still just the shallow rouse it always was to me. Especially towards the end of our nights when my mom friends just want to get back home to their kids and start gushing on and on and on about their love for them and how much they miss them and they are the best thing that ever happened to them, etc. It is undoubtedly better than having friends who just don't get how lucky they are, who don't really appreciate their kids. Yet it still does not make me go, "Damn I am SO lucky to not have to deal with THAT."

Though I will tell you what I do know, I know that all this baby daddy drama DOES make me feel so lucky that I don't have to deal with it. Totally. I'll spare you the details.

What else has went boom as of late? My weight. I wasn't imagining it. I'm back up to my heaviest ever and yeah, it's got to go! My new insurance gives me a gym membership with classes(!) and a pool so we'll see how that goes.

In other fun news, I've been on antibiotics for almost 2 weeks now, thanks staph infection #3. It has really cleared up my face, so I don't completely regret it. But now, instead of a sea of red, my face is a sea of foresee a review of home microdermabrasion treatments in this blog's future.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Dem Babies

Ok, so I'm not Mariah Carey, but it just dawned on me that I didn't put ANY pictures up of my embies! What the heck?

So without futher ado...

4AA Blastocyst Transferred

The biggest one in the right panel is what was transferred, and I am not sure about any of the others of which were frozen except the one on the left panel with the large vacuole was not a contender. 

This is a very bittersweet time for me. April 10th was the due date for my CP baby, and if things were different, I would have a 4 year old this year. I never not think about him/her. When shit gets hard, I always try to imagine if they were here with me, what we'd be doing, just their general presence. And this sounds kind of crazy, but my medium acquaintance read their spirit around me, I don't know the exact mechanics. But that's who it had to be. A little boy, but with long dirty blonde hair (I never plan on cutting my boys hair until they ask, which I haven't told anyone) and blue eyes (just like my ex-husband, who also wore his hair long until the military) around 3 years old. According to the medium, the spirit likes to sit by my dad a lot, which really comforts me, and he is who is responsible for the dreams between my sister and I, and this all makes a ton of sense to me because I never had as many psychic dreams before that all happened. I know this all sounds crazy, but it just started off as him interpreting my dream. He hit every nail on the head, and he told me that my thing in life, is to deal with this. Like I was destined to have to deal with miscarriage and loss of that nature because of things I might have done in my past life, specifically, he sees me having neglected my children in a past life, and now I'm paying for it as in I'm having to really learn to not take my kids for granted. Thanks past life asshole self. Now he has no idea about my past, and he was more talking about me having miscarriages or trouble conceiving in the future since he didn't know that's what I'm dealing with now. Maybe it's crazy, and it's all a made up story, but it makes me feel a lot better.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Thyroid Troubles?

I'm no stranger to thyroid issues. I know quite a few people who have them, including my mother, who now no longer even has a thyroid.

Seriously, ever since the IVF cycle, I do not feel right. I am tired all of the fucking time. Like right now, I feel like I could pass out, and that same brain fog where I feel heaviness around my eyes and forehead like I can't comprehend anything? Yeah, it's back. I seriously want to sleep all day but I don't feel depressed so I don't know what gives.

I am really. Tired. And not very hungry, but sliiightly gaining weight.

So thyroid testing it is!

Saturday, March 1, 2014


Alright, so I have effectively dealt with that whole engagement thing. Check.

New Drama of The Week:

I'm seriously considering a "career" change after graduation. Troubles at work are getting to the point where I'm having my life and health in general threatened and I'm not a fan.

And I finally told my mom about me doing IVF. Totally unsufuckingportive. As usual. Not even mean about it just, so completely unfeeling I can't even fathom how the fuck she even cared enough to feed me as a child.

On the more positive side of things, I got a new tattoo! And I love it, except I'm terrified of it getting bitten and infected.

And...I met a guy.  I'm not going to talk about it in detail here, but so far, he makes me really happy. We have great chemistry and he's not a stick in the mud, dark, brooding asshole. Of course this makes me question the direction of my life and no, we have not talked about kids, so yep, terrified of that conversation. I will say this, he is definitely old enough to want to settle down, and is very financially secure. So we'll see where that goes.

Monday, February 17, 2014

He put a ring on it

I knew this day was coming. But I wasn't ready for it. 

It doesn't change anything about it. And nothing I do will, even if I do the right, or wrong, thing. 

I can't even say I wish it wasn't true, because that would be a lie, but I hate the circumstances so much. 

Today I found out that my ex-husband is engaged. 

It's not like I don't wish them well or hate him or whatever. It's just...since we got divorced my life has been a total cesspool if it wasn't before. Ok, it was a cesspool before. Our marriage was the only fucking break I got from my cesspool life. And even then it had cesspool moments. But now, he might get his happily ever after. Which is fine except WHERE IS MINE!? It's hard to be ok or happy with it when you're still dealing with the consequences of both of your decisions every fucking day when you no longer have that other person's support. I hate to totally say this but, he is a part of my infertility, and I live with my infertility every fucking day hence I live with him every fucking day. 

I wish I could recreate a hypothetical scenario in which we didn't get married and then I found out I was infertile some other way so I could stop connecting the two. It's totally irrational but it feels like he helped to totally change the direction of my life and unearth the most devastating thing to happen to me and it's just me, alone, to pick up the pieces. I feel like I'm losing people left and right and this just takes the fucking cake. 

I wish more than anything that we had a civil relationship but we don't. Because I really miss having him as a friend. And by some weird extension, I have my four embryos because of him, so I really can't have regrets. 

What I do know is, the emotions I'm feeling and not feeling about this and other recent upsetting things really demonstrates how much I have grown up from who I used to be. But for right now, it's a really sore issue with me and it really makes me reexamine my own choices more than anything else but, I know I'll get through it. Eventually.