Friday, May 22, 2015

22 Weeks

  • My shower is in a month. The menu and decorations, time, place, date, etc. are all picked out. I found the most perfect dress to wear too so that is a bonus.
  • My schedule at work is changing so we shall see how that goes.
  • SHE had a schedule for a while but now it feels like she moves at least once an hour, maybe it's always been that way and I can just feel it better. 
  • Kicks that feel like they are in my vagina or anus are more frequent.
  • I feel like my belly button is trying to rip apart at the bottom.
  • If you're tired of hearing about how I'm still so nauseous and tired, well, me too. So from now on, just assume I still am until I say I'm not. 
  • I can no longer lady-scape. 
  • I'm now weighing 167 consistently but my extremities are swollen, consistently. I'd say it's 50% genetics, 50% I eat a lot of fucking junk with sodium in it an not enough water. Need to work on that. 
  • I'm switching to aluminum and paraben free deodorant. I smell insanely bad anyway that I figured now is a good time plus I'll be breastfeeding soon. Nobody likes parabens!
  • I finally bit the bullet and spent $20 on that new Neutrogena hydro boost moisturizer and I'm glad I did because at the very least, it doesn't seem to break me out. Yay to looking younger.
  • I guess since I've been searching a lot of mom and daughter stuff on Pinterest, they recommended a pin for me to make my daughter a first period kit....SHUT THE FUCK UP! I do not even want to think about that now. Ugh, just EW! She is still my baby, quite literally.

Friday, May 15, 2015

21 Weeks - or when the last bit of my sanity was depleted

Today I found out that the reason I feel like I'm constantly sick with a uti is...because I am. I am gbs +, or rather gbs +++++++.

Yeah, not only do I have to go to the hospital asap when my water breaks or labor starts, AND be hooked up to an IV, there's a pretty small chance that she could get it and die, or have really bad complications. There's also a chance that my uterus is infected right now and could cause preterm labor and increases the chance of something bad happening regardless. I think the worst part is most infections like that are asymptomatic and hard to diagnose even with amniocentesis so I have no idea when to ask for that.

This is just fucking great. I was just starting to be more confident about nothing going wrong.

Now I feel like a ticking time bomb. It's no longer just me being neurotic, there really is a reason for shit to hit the fan.

And I'm gonna come out and say it. This pregnancy is fucking terrible. So much so, I'm not sure I want to do it again. And I used to judge chicks so hard and then I became one of them. Everything is so shitty and fails to meet expectations. I have not felt not terrible this entire time, I'm more consumed with anxiety than excitement, and I'm constantly filled with guilt every time I eat taco bell or don't exercise or anything else that doesn't fit my idea of what I'd do during pregnancy.

I feel like a terrible lazy slack ass at work. I feel like a terrible lazy slack ass period.

Everything is going super wrong. And I'm not so good with that.

My saving grace is feeling her kick, which she does a lot and it seems to get harder each day. She even has a schedule. She's awake at 9/10 am and pm and 4/5 am and pm. Sometimes I feel her in between but she really gets crazy at those times of day. She doesn't seem to respond to anything specific though. I try talking to her, or poking my belly in different patterns. She doesn't care, she just does her own thing when she wants. I'll take it that she is just so smart that she's above it all.

She also seems to really like chocolate and avocado. She goes bananas after I eat it.

For all these bad emotions, I'm not scared or anxious about what happens once she's here and healthy. The nursery isn't done but she has clothes, diapers, and I have boobs. I know I will be totally in love with her, and I know it's ok to be me. Like...I'm fully planning on flying us to Ireland right before she turns two to see my bestie and her daughter, and maybe that may be crazy to most people, but that's how I live my life and that's how I want hers to be. Full of adventure and new experiences. I'm not afraid that I'm going to lose myself, I just have to remember to be me and the parent I want to be.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

20 Weeks

The halfway point.

She is indeed anatomically normal. But it was so weird being at the OB seeing a bunch of big bellied women and STILL feeling like I'm not one of them.

I've had some WEIRD dreams.

Dream 1: I go to the hospital to have the baby, wake up, and there is TWO. One boy, one girl. They hand them to me literally wrapped up in paper, naked. And they have ventilators. They are so still they look lifeless. My mother comes and I go to take a shower. When I come back, she has knocked their fucking ventilators off and I go into hysterics and call the nurse. "I don't even know if they're alive anymore" I say. She pops the vents back on and reassures me they are. I take them out of that stupid paper so I can see their chests rise and fall and wrap them up in blankets and hats. Time magically goes by and they are bigger, stronger. My sister, niece, and nephew come to see me. I'm happy. The girl smiles at me and seems to know who I am. The boy doesn't really do anything, he doesn't seem as healthy as her, but I really don't care, they're both mine.

Dream 2: For some weird reason I'm at work, fall asleep, wake up, go to the bathroom. As I stand up, bloody water gushes out of me. I find a cloth and basically make a flat-folded adult diaper out of it and wake up my coworker to take me to the hospital.

My kidneys hate me and I believe I passed a stone, because I peed blood. I've had a kidney stone before and when I thought about it, that's pretty much exactly how it went down.

Today the scale says 165 which is up a couple of pounds but I swear even my toes are swelling. I wish I could just IV myself some fluids.

I'm still exhausted, and throwing up, and I got a charley horse in each leg this morning. I haven't done anything. Nothing to the nursery, nothing for the shower, nothing.

AND I think I've begun leaking. I find these white bits around my nipples. I think it's dried colustrum, and then I had a kid at work point out my hard nipples. Yeah. I've never had so much in the way of nipples, but seeing them THROUGH my fancy Victoria's Secret memory foam bra is a bit much. SO it's breast pad and maternity bra shopping time for me, no matter how much it makes me cry. Sigh.

But hey, I haven't really gotten any new stretchmarks except two dots on my butt, equidistant from each other, and that is something to celebrate.

And the genie bra would not be a good nursing bra, because it seriously could give you some mastitis with its smooshing powers. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

19 Weeks

Someone who didn't already know totally noticed my bump, yay! And then a couple people felt her move.

I'm about recovered from my illnesses but I still threw up yesterday and didn't really eat.

ANYway I had my anatomy scan! As far as I know, everything is fine. It looked fine to me and I am super relieved to know she has kidneys. That, and if something was wrong like a cyst, or omphalocele, or something like that, I'm sure they would have had to take a picture and they told me everything they took a picture of sooo....

She's still a girl for the record. And head down, which means I'm not feeling kicks but head butts or punches and they are getting stronger by the day. And to get a pic of her feet, the tech had to go right in between my ribs.....awesome. So I'm not imagining that she's ginormous and way up high.

My cervix is still nice and long and I don't have placenta previa so yay.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

18 Weeks

I am very, very frustrated. I feel really unprepared and I don't know what to do. The checklists don't help either shit I should pick a pediatrician, no shit I need to find a daycare. I guess I need basic instructions on how to survive, or maybe it's not that hard, or more probable, it's just something you have to figure out on your own.

That being said, I paid off ALL my debt. Yep, debt free. And kinda broke again.

My first fluff is in the mail! It is coming TODAY! Cotton Babies is having a sale on their Organic Day Time Flip Inserts and I couldn't pass it up. I also got some flour sack towels at Walmart just cuz. I looove the feel of the organic cotton. And I bought her some Hello Kitty socks.

All that aside, I feel like shit. As usual. I am definitely sick with a runny nose and sneezing, and possibly a UTI, and then the general waking up sore from sleeping, and nothing is comfortable, and the weird moods, and I'm still tired. I told my boss I'm not doing overnight shifts anymore, I can't.

To date, no strange weirdos have touched my belly, just people I know and it doesn't weird me out. In fact, I think strangers just assume I have a tumor in my uterus lol.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

17.5 Weeks I'm terrible

I haven't updated, my bad. I will try to remember what's gone down in the past week...

           16 Weeks                           Vs                      17 Weeks

  • Nursery progress: I found someone to take my old dresser, bought my deer head, and super big initial letter.
  • Haven't gained weight. I had this bout of fluid retention/constipation because I was eating and salty foods at that. But that's all gone now. It also made me look huge so now my bump has shrank. 
  • I'm eating! I sware! I did have some moments of nausea the other day which scared the shit out of me but I can even brush my tongue again now! 
  • I am so amazed by how big she is! She is about 9 inches crown to heel which is the length of my forearm and foot. There is a foot inside of me lol. 
  • Someone felt her kick. At first I was like are you nuts? I didn't feel anything, but 5 seconds later she definitely did something, it was pretty unmistakable. I think I also felt her first hiccups that night. I feel her move so much more now but I can't see it or feel it from the outside. 
  • New symptoms: Crying ALL the time, my feet hurt, my everything feels sore, braxton hicks when dehydrated, and pubic symphysis pain. OH and peeing, like every hour. Except sometimes I go and then as soon as I get out of the bathroom I realize I have to go again, that is annoying. 
  • She has a name!