Saturday, January 31, 2015

Pregnancy Update #8 - 6 1/2 Weeks


I'm NOT hungry.

Shit, I'm nauseous! Oh fuck!

QUICK! Drink some water...


Still not hungry but it's been almost 18 hours since I last ate so I should probably eat something...

Nah, fuck that. Nap! It's cheaper and funner.

*gets food* Eh...

Wtf, Now I feel really full.

Crap, am I nauseous again?


But my stomach hurts...

Ah, fuck it.


I just had 7-8 hours where I woke up before my alarm! Today might be a good day!

2 hours later...zombie status

3 hours later...Nap!

4 hours later...Can I please have some more, sir?!

5 hours later...Why am I eating? I could be napping!

6 hours later...Fuck class, take naps.

7 hours later...Just laying down and resting

12 hours later...I don't WANNA studyyy, I want sleepies! Studies it is. But not before dinner and a subsequent snack.

14 hours later...I've just sat here too tired to do anything

I tried to start a registry...I was more overwhelmed than anything. I used to do that shit for fun! What happened?

In complete contrast, I kind of have a touch of nesting going on. I feel like I need to purge all the unnecessary shit from my life/house and clean out my car...which needs it badly. I realized that what I would decide to keep for a childless future would be a lot more than things I'd keep if I really did expect to have a child at some point. My Care Bears from 8th grade? No. Sewing machine? Yes. Infinite amount of tanning products I haven't used in over 6 months? No. Crock pot? Yes. I can definitely see a trip to Goodwill in my future.

I also happen to hate every name anybody suggests. It has to be RIGHT! The RIGHT name! And the rest are just so wrong, wrong, wrong. Maybe I will stick the two twin names together since I couldn't come up with middle names anyway. Blah.

Oh, and I've had a headache for the past 72 hours. Not a migraine, which is good, but an annoying, subtle headache that won't go away; could be sinus issues, It's mainly just my forehead and temples.

Another thing that I've recently realized is I don't know shit. Or at least, as much shit as I thought I knew. This pregnancy is very...humbling. I still feel as capable but I have way lower expectations of myself.

Life is going really well in general. I'm super busy with school but I like all my classes. I'm going to have some extra income coming in soon. Everyone at work is great, even the kids. They're all excited and asking me questions which is a good opportunity to influence them to wait because of how they see it is affecting me. Yes kids, those ugly spider and varicose veins on my leg ARE from pregnancy! And that's why I'm so tired...and hungry...and bitchy...and fat! And no one that I've told really bats an eye that I used a sperm donor, they are more confuzzled by the IVF process and all that it entails.

I've also decided to try and just pay OOP for the blood test that checks for some chromosomal abnormalities and gender. I am not okay with risking a miscarriage with CVS or Amnio especially if nothing turns out to be wrong. I'm not going to go into my views and feelings on medically terminating, but there is nothing that would be identified by that test that I am 100% on, so it's not really for making decisions of that nature. I kindof just wanna be an asshole and know if it's a boy or a girl 10 weeks before everyone else while still getting some relevant medical information.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Pregnancy Update #7 - 6w1d official ultrasound was yesterday. We got to hear the actual heartbeat, and measure the actual baby, which was still ahead by a day. The heartbeat was 106. I was so excited to get my pictures and goody bag and I got a doctor's note telling my job to suck it about not letting me drink water...and I got a water bottle, too. I drank 3 of those today. I go back in 2 weeks and it feels surreal, my picture looks like everyone else's but I remember so well hating being in that office hearing other people's "woosh woosh" and wanting to be like everyone else.

Six years. Six years for a heartbeat. Holy fuck. It feels like my life has been an epic tv show.

If you asked me if what I think it is, I'd honestly say I don't know. But, I'm going with 55% girl, 45% boy. One of the kids at work promptly stated it's a girl so...

I wish I had more to say but I'm just in awe right now.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015


Well this sucks. I left work early because after going to the bathroom, there it was: blood. At first I thought it was from the back door region, nope. And I freaked. My cervix felt closed and I wasn't cramping, so I was confused. I immediately went home and shot myself up with more progesterone and headed to the ER.

Peed in a cup, got an exam. I could see a little pink on the speculum but they said there was no "active" bleeding. Had labs drawn and that'll take about 40 minutes so that's where I'm at now.

I just really cannot believe this would be happening again. In fact, I surprised myself with optimism thinking of all the possibilities that don't include miscarriage. Maybe I'm in denial. Or maybe I'm too numb.


My beta was 13k which means my levels are still slightly ahead of 48 hours in doubling, which is still really good because the higher it gets, the longer to double.

I'm not dehydrated, in ketosis, or eating too much sodium.

And I saw the heartbeat.

Yes, THE heartbeat.

It was so surreal, I didn't cry but I wasn't expecting it so soon. But there it was.

104 bpm. Oddly enough, I'm measuring 4-5 days ahead. No complaints here. I have no idea if there was a second empty sac or not, I will get pics tomorrow plus from my next ultrasound.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Pregnancy Update #6 - (Almost) 6 Weeks

I'm not sure how I'm really existing. All the days are a blur and the only things I can think about are eating and sleeping. I want to eat but I'm not necessarily hungry, I just feel the urge or drive to eat. But once I do eat, then I just want to keep going. And of course, lots of things taste like crap, or worse, dirt. It's a constant struggle between eating at home knowing it won't satisfy me or go out to eat and risk spending money on food that tastes like shit.

Symptoms come and go everyday. Sometimes I don't feel pregnant at all and then other times, it's painfully obvious.

And instead of a bump, I'm getting fat. My boobs look ridiculous. I look like I have implants. They are popping out of *and brace yourself* my 36DDD bras, which for the record, I can wear G-H cups in brands that make them that big so I. am. fucked. The rest is all jiggly and wiggly and gross. I even tried sticking it out so I would not be confused as not pregnant but alas, it was no help. I'm starting to feel a little hardness above my pubic bone but the only thing that has changed is under my belly and above my pubic area are meshing together which I can't really explain without this horrible, low-tech illustration.

My ultrasound is the day after tomorrow and I have gotten over being worried that I'll be disappointed if we don't see twins. I'm way more focused on one healthy little bean. Or two. It doesn't matter to me as long as both are okay. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Pregnancy Update #5 - 5 1/2 Weeks

On top of being exhausted, I have insomnia! I wake up about once every hour and it's not to pee. And no matter how much I sleep, I'm back to tired about two hours in.

My ankles and feet also exploded.

Nausea/terrible acid reflux is still kicking in. I was really scared in particular to throw up my Indian buffet lunch, but thankfully, that didn't happen. Chugging down water/eating usually helps a bit.

My bestie is coming to my ultrasound with me!

I finally got the courage to go to Babies R Us. I haven't been since before my miscarriage but it felt different this time. For one, I thought I was going to violently heave in the bathroom. But I was a little excited, all the same. And they had cloth diapers! They had my fave diaper in my fave color, I took it as a good sign.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Pregnancy Update #4 - 5 weeks

Had my first dream about this pregnancy. I was looking at my ultrasound, and there were two. There were the letters B and B on them, which I guess stands for Boy/Boy but I said Boy/Girl out loud.

I don't get it either.

Emotionally, things are a bit more calm.

This really cool thing happened last night. I felt them/it. No, not like kicking, I'm not insane. It was definitely in the uterus area but it didn't hurt. It felt like that implantation sensation; not cramps but the opposite if you can imagine. But bigger, like the whole uterus. Like floating, like the gravity was turned off. It must have been something because not long after my heart rate got up to 102 and I had been laying down for about 2 hours trying to sleep.

I had my first day of throwing up in my mouth, and I definitely felt like I was going to puke most of the day. Not that cutesy one painless barf like last time, this felt like I was going to heave, hard and multiple times.

And the subway lady outed me. I see this subway lady a lot, I come in before my night shifts and get a sub so she knows what I like. Today, I finally had that Italian BMT but with tuna, and then buffalo sauce, and sriracha. It was fucking heavenly, but as I'm telling her this, she looks dead at me and asks if I'm pregnant. Oh yeah, and this was with a kid from work standing right next to me. I lit up like a damn Christmas tree. That lead to an awkward conversation about how her boss is getting inseminated because her girlfriend obviously lacks the hardware. And of course, I'm terrified the kid is going to squeal, but she has a daughter herself, so I'm hoping she understands the situation a bit more.

Oh, and ultrasound is the 28th so exactly 6 weeks along with next beta. Nervous is an understatement.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Pregnancy Update #3 - 4 1/2 Weeks

What is wrong with me?!

I feel terrible. Honestly terrible, but not physically terrible.

I am NOT complaining/ungrateful/the like, just simply throwing it out there.

All I have wanted to do these past couple days is cry. And I have no fucking clue why.

I am NOT sad. But it's probably because I'm pregnant, and not expecting a baby at the same time. I'm viewing this as a simple biochemical event/syndrome that's putting my body through a hiatus. "The baby" isn't doing it, all the lovely trophectoderm cells that will become the placenta, are doing it. And so you see, until I see those babies, I'm not really expecting any.

I'm so bored. There's nothing to do.

I can't go shopping because...I don't know what I'm going to look like in 3ish months, I could be pregnant and huge, pregnant and skinnier (like last time), or miscarry and skinnier, or miscarry and gain some weight via depression and pcos returning to full force (like last time).

I can't pick out baby things because I feel it is just utterly TOO early.

I don't want to go out to eat because I'm not hungry. My brain will choose a specific time of the day to tell me to eat but my body doesn't feel it, I don't ever really feel hungry and I never really feel satisfied. And then shit tastes like dirt in my mouth, just like last time. That, and I'm feeling very frugal as of late.

And my colon hates me. I swear I pooped 5 times today but you know, those I'm taking prenatals and constipated poops. Like you wanted to know that.

In other gastrointestinal news, acid reflux is getting a little worse. I *almost* contemplated throwing up, or taking some maalox. I decided against the maalox, because I didn't want to chance it tasting gross and throwing it up.

I'm also completely exhausted to the point that I get dizzy but when I get in my bed, I don't feel as tired.

And oh yeah, those weird sensations where it feels like someone is sticking me on both sides like a voodoo doll?? Worse. I'll take that as a good sign because last pregnancy, nothing was as big as it was supposed to be so...I assume it's growing on time?

Basically, pregnancy is in full effect.

This is what the bean/beans look like...more like a layered bean dip than anything.