Monday, July 21, 2014

FET 1.5 Update #4

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I was SO nauseous yesterday, I call it FET induced pseudo morning sickness. And it was all day just like "morning" sickness. Eating didn't help, and it sucked. 

FINALLY I had a nice tech do my ultrasound, and she used the local RE to get her twins and had IVF done as well :). Turns out, she knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned the past rude tech and so I believe that she grilled her as well so we had something to bond over. She said she did acupuncture and that's the only thing they did different on her bfp and recommended someone close by. I usually get checks Mondays and Fridays and that's when she works so I will be requesting her from now on. 

Oh ya, and my lining is 1 cm! So I'm not sure if it was 1.0 cm or 1.9 cm but it's at least a 10 in mm so that is fantastic, like the champion of linings! That takes a load off my mind. My estradiol is about the same, 1330 something and LH and progesterone are still low so that's good. 

HOWEVER, the hospital AGAIN did not send my results so I have to wait till tomorrow to get the call about my instructions...which I'm doubly pissed about because I told my boss I'd know Monday when I need time off. 

Anyway, until then I'm going to revel in my sushi takeout and new technology. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

FET 1.5 Update #3

Yesterday...was rough. It very well may be the hormones. My estrogen is 1500! And my lining a 6, but according to the tech and nurses, that's pretty damn good for bleeding 8 days straight. The plan now is one more week of the blue stuff, and then a check AND THEN MAYBE FINALLY! we can plan the transfer, which is tentatively around July 30th at this point. I only have 1.5-2 cm more to go, and I'm pretty sure it will be there since I'm not hemorrhaging anymore. I'm pretty damn determined to do anything and everything I can to get this lining perfect even if I have to chug green tea all day.

But more so than everything, I'm trying to realize to be kind to myself. I just recently finished logging all my food intake for 3 weeks. I aimed to hit around 1200 net calories a day, sometimes I had more or less, but the average was on point. I don't eat perfectly either, but it was an improvement or so I thought. Maybe I'm a lard ass because I eat like shit, seems plausible, right? In fact, I gained 3 pounds. Is it related to my rising TSH levels and/or PCOS? Probably aka not my fault. Am I exhausted? Yep! But I've been working 50-60 hours a week lately. And so, I need to be kind to myself. Stress is not going to help this FET work.

So now I nap. I sleep in. I indulge in lavender everything. I spend time with friends, mostly doing nothing. If I want to eat something, I do, especially since it probably won't make a difference anyway. I spend my free time watching documentaries on Netflix. And I've severely limited my ability to give a shit at work, despite staying 2+ hours after my shift to get things done, but I no longer emotionally invest in everyone's unhappiness. If someone doesn't do their job and it doesn't affect me directly, I don't give a shit. If someone's pissed at someone else and vent at me I say look, I know you're mad, I get it, and I will listen, but I just can't give a shit. So far, it's been working out.

Anything that gives me the slightest bit of happiness or relieves stress, I do. So that's the plan.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

FET 1.5 Update #2 - Back to the start?

Baseline: My lining is a 9-10 I believe. The big follie on my right has disappeared, there seems to be 1 or 2 on my left and one is definitely 19mm so THANKS BODY for being so late to the party! Being done on a Friday, I get a call that the bloodwork isn't in so they can't do much so to wait till Monday. Monday I get a call with a nurse wondering why I'm not bleeding with my lining so thick...um, because unbeknownst to me I'm probably about to ovulate? So she says if I'm not bleeding my Wednesday to get a repeat because they need it at a 7 *what it was when they cancelled the last FET, ugh!* but the results are as follows:

FSH: 4.8 This makes me happy, it seems to have gone down?
Estradiol: 52
LH: 22.7 surge, surprise!
Progesterone: 0.8
TSH: 1.86 going up, bleh

Second Baseline (Wednesday):

FSH: 4.4 Even lower, yay?
Estradiol: 43
LH: 8.2
Progesterone: 1.2
TSH: 2.25 Yuck

I can't tell you anything about my ultrasound, except people are really fucking clueless and my lining is a 5. I could go on and on and on about all the insensitive shit that gets said to me on the daily that somehow has to insult my uterus. Can someone just call me ugly for once? Damn.

Back at the hospital of inept people, I go to the front desk to register.

Lady #1: Did you just come from the doctor?
Me: No.
Lady #1: Do you have an order?
Me: Yes. *Gives her the order*
Lady #1: So you have this scheduled?
Me: Yes.
Lady #1: Ok

I sit down, and Lady #2 calls me up to the desk.

Lady #2: So this for the baby?
Me: .... *just stares at her*
Lady #2: You're having an NST right?

***FOR THE RECORD: NST isn't usually performed before 28 weeks, commonly used in late pregnancy, and I'm wearing high waisted skinny jeans. If I look THAT pregnant or someone thinks I'm choking my fetus out with those pants I have a big problem. Also, NST isn't even a check box on the order which is covered in the fertility center's logo.***

Me: Um, NO. *Realizing all the above, I'm super flabbergasted at how this is even my life, like why? Why me? Why does this shit always happen to ME? ALWAYS!*
Lady #1: That's what you told me when I asked you!
Me: No. You didn't ask me that. You asked me if I came from my doctor, which I said no, if I had an order, I said yes, and if I was scheduled, also yes.
Lady #2: Ok, well just have a seat and registration will be with you in a moment.

So I go to get my ultrasound, and who else could it be than tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber ultrasound techs who did my ultrasound the day I got cancelled with their smart ass remarks and intrusive questions. At this point, I'm like, they're obviously really stupid so I'll just play along this time. So they go on and on asking me questions that are just so...not their fucking business. So knowing WiHY I'm there, the student one a. sticks the wand in me to past my cervix and then pushes it down as she rotates the wand so it's like the worst bottoming out experience ever so I yell out "FUCK!" and b. asks me how many times I've been pregnant. I just stare at her in disbelief like did she really just fucking say that? I didn't get to see anything, and got asked more intrusive questions but when I try to answer they just start talking amongst themselves.

I SWARE I can't make this stuff up. It happens all the time, seriously.

So the nurse calls later and after some more of the usual confusion over my protocol, I get the green light to start meds and I'm to go back on next Friday so we can figure this stuff out! Estrace 3x a day and the other usuals.

But then today, Saturday, I start spotting. Wtf? And I'm crampy. It's not just brown, either. I'm not really too worried about it as I've read it's happened before, but what I am worried about is that if I DID ovulate, and wait till Friday for a repeat, I may get cancelled because that would make me have like...a day 10 transfer or something. So I decide to call Monday except I do the math and realize that even if they were to tell me to be there Tuesday morning I'd be 8+dpo and still get cancelled, so I'm guessing the proof is in the progesterone pudding so to speak.

If I get cancelled again, I'm gonna freak the fuck out. Seriously. I've wasted 2 months now and the beginning of next semester is drawing ever closer. But yeah for now it just feels like I'll wind up back where I was, on the never ending cycle of still no transfer.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Why I Do This + FET "1.5" Update

My last post was 5.27.14. It's been about a month now since I had anything new to tell.

Today I had a brief convo with my doctor. I still haven't had a period, so we're doing a baseline to see where things are, and I assume proceed with a minimal medicated FET protocol if everything checks out. Estrace for two weeks, then progesterone and endometrin.

It's also officially been 5 years TTC. It feels like it's getting easier to quit, and harder to keep going, and I don't mean "quit" as in make a solid decision; more like, just let it slide into the background, like something on my calendar I forgot to do. Even so, I feel like it's killing my relationships. I don't really see or talk to anyone close to me anymore, they're all busy being moms. Nothing is wrong with that, but the scales of priorities are shifted, we're no longer even, I have been bumped down the list of priorities.

Which is why I do this. I feel so fucking alone. I AM alone. I've thought about it and I'm not outwardly telling anybody about this FET. The reactions and support I got from the last round were pretty much nil to fucking none. In every response I got, it all sent the same message: None of my friends were honestly paying attention. I can't blame them, and I'm not saying they did anything wrong, it was just blatantly obvious how much stake they don't have in this. As for me, I care if their children have present fathers, enough clothes to wear, a mom with adequate emotional support, etc. Our give and takes are blatantly unequal and reinforces my solitude. It sucks like crazy and it's making me hard to not write these people off, because I'd rather have no relationships than a ton of them where I'm the only one putting in the effort.

I can only imagine that somewhere there's a person like me, going through the same things, maybe just one. There's tons of blogs and vlogs about older mothers, younger mothers, single mothers, married mothers, and those going through infertility. There are NONE that I can relate to anymore which means for that one person like me, they don't have anything to relate to either, which is why I put my life out there as I do. I have no idea how many people I know "in real life" know about my online persona or not, because I recently had someone tell me they didn't "like" it, but it's really none of their business, because if they were as present in my life as they think their opinion should be, I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't need an outlet for everything that's going on, where I don't feel rushed/interrupted/or like I'm boring whoever is reading/watching. I think that's the point....those who are reading/watching are doing so because they WANT to and not because they feel they owe me the time of day.

Telling my nurse that I honestly don't have anyone to give me my shots made me feel like the biggest loser alive. There are women with husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, and moms they can go through this with. Not me. Not. me.

So that's why I do this, and I'm going to continue doing it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Cancelled

After staying up for over 24 hours and running around like crazy, yes, I am cancelled.

I'm just very perplexed, then again I am not. Friday I was told to do estrace orally rather than vaginally as I had been doing.

My lining went from 13.5 to a 7.

My follicles didn't grow....like any. 

Maybe insert reason here why I can't get pregnant on my own.

THE WEIRDEST THING is that my LH was a 40 on Friday so I think that mean I surged. Obviously, it didn't do anything. I know because my progesterone was 0.2 today. 

My body just....it's that "spirited" child everyone talks about on facebook lol. 

I wish I could feel, well, anything, but I don't. Just more of the same of my life staying true to character, constant...fucked up-ness.  Never mind, kind of just had a mini breakdown. 

At least I know that femara doesn't work for me, that I am an injectable girl. At least I know that 2 estrace a day in the hoo haa work well. 

I will be talking to the doctor probably next week and then, I don't really know. I really don't know and I don't want to. 

Monday, May 26, 2014

FET Update #6

I really need to get this post done. My sister's coming in from out of town with my niece and nephew so I probably won't have time to update, and I'll definitely have no time to wallow in my self-pity. Depressed me + small children who share my genetics but aren't mine = emotional shit storm, traditionally. 

So I had my repeat tests on Friday. Again, bullshit galore.

1. Even though the lady wrote me a standing order, she didn't write the dates on it, but told me it'd be good for a month. People at the scheduling place flip out and say I can't get a test without a date on it, DESPITE A WORKER FOR THEIR COMPANY telling me otherwise and giving me back a piece of paper, which apparently, is no good. So I try to forward her the order I have via email, but when I try to pop it up on my computer, the check marks mysteriously disappear so it's blank essentially. Then I have to jimmy rig it, email it to the scheduler, and was supposed to get a call back that day for a next day appointment. Didn't. My phone goes a little wonky inside of my house so I missed the first call the next day but was eventually scheduled for a 1 pm appointment, which is cool, because I can forward the results to my doctor on my own. Lining is now at a 13.5 (holy smokes!) and the tech tells me I only have a couple follies a little over 1 cm, but I'm guessing now that she doesn't understand that millimeters are even significant, so it turns out I have one at 13-14 and a couple at 11 and 12 I think? I go an hour out of my way to the main hospital that runs labs, where I was told multiple times that they'd run my bloodwork stat. Well guess what...

2. I get to the lab and ask them, hey, this is stat, yes? NO ONE MARKED IT STAT. Even though clearly on the order, it says stat, results needed by such and such time, yadda yadda yadda. So they go ahead and mark it for me. But then tell me that they don't know why anyone sent me down there, because they only run THOSE tests (lady hormones) in batches. Insert my breakdown, so they suggest I call my doctor and get them to bug the shit out of the lab department because they won't even talk to me apparently, the patient, who needs someone to actually give a fuck.

3. I try to call my doctor, and granted, it's an hour away from closing. No one answers on the two nurses lines, which isn't unusual. So I ask the front desk, who neglected to tell me everyone was signed out for the day but put me through to the on-call nurse that I originally ask for. The out of town nurse finally calls me back, as I'm running out of minutes for the month because I burned them up being on hold for a total of 30 minutes. Anyway, she kind of like, chews me out, but not really. Let me state something here: I am extremely oversensitive. But I was calm, I wasn't going to unload my life on her and I could have gotten my labs done earlier, but the point is, ALL of the labs I have at my disposal are completely fucking inept. SO there's no way she's getting any results today, and I ask her what the hell I'm supposed to do if I ovulate over the weekend, She says it's possible (bad news) but not likely (why the hell not, am I defective?) because I only had an 11 follie and 4 mm lining, but SHE doesn't know that I know have multiple follies and a thick as hell lining, which I don't even bother to say, because there's nothing that can be done.

4. So she tells me to stay on the meds (no lupron, mind you, I'm kind of cursing myself at this point) and go back in Tuesday, which is now a problem because I worked all fucking weekend and couldn't call anyone today (holiday) to even schedule an appointment. Why should I fucking bother? It was 4 hours from the STAT ultrasound and she still didn't get anything from them. So what does it matter? I'm not sure when I O on my own, follie size wise, but if it's only growing 1 mm a day, I'm at almost mature by tomorrow. The whole OPK thing hasn't worked out, because my FMU is at about 2 pm. So...here's to misplaced false hopes.

Monday, May 19, 2014

FET Update #5

Today.





Was just the day from hell.

Get to my u/s appointment at an actual imaging kind of place that has labs too. AS INSTRUCTED I put the date of the actual u/s on the order. Took it in, and they threw a big fucking fit about it. And started interrogating me about WHY I needed another ultrasound just a week from my last one...like it says CNY Fertility on the top, retards. So they demanded my clinic fax them another one and bumped my ass to the back of my line despite me having an appointment. Then they tell me my labs won't be stat, they are "send outs" so I should go to the hospital I went to last time who did not send my results for three fucking days. Great. SO I go over there, only to be informed that they send those labs to ANOTHER hospital 40 minutes away. I say whatever, it's only CD 11, I think it could wait until tomorrow. I pick up my u/s disc, get home, and what the fuck.

My lining is only a 4. Like a 4.0, not a 4.6 or .7 or .9. FOURPOINTZERO. I start immediately freaking out thinking I'm going to be cancelled and yet again, I realize that I really, really hate fertility treatments. It's not the meds, or the 2ww, or even the cost. It's the constant fucking tire, frustration, misinformation, and then feeling like the world is coming down over your head at every turn. I am totally now more on the fence about transferring more than one embryo than ever before because I seriously want to be done with this shit.

I'm tired of this being like the only thing I have to talk about. I want to talk about my child, and what we did that day, and all that other stuff people are telling me about their kids.

As it turns out, they didn't even fax the u/s report which I can tell you for sure was ready by 12 pm because I picked it up. It clearly said STAT and WET READ and RESULTS HAVE TO BE FAXED BY 2:30 PM on it, but thank goodness I had the brains to go ahead and email it to my clinic, because they called me back and told me to start estrace. Not cancelled, not delayed. I go back on Friday for another round of this crap. I have a couple follies that are small, one is an 11. I only need 1. So that's pretty much the deal.

Also, in the worst thing to ever happen to the universe turn of events, one of my best friends who is younger than me found out today that she has POF, and at first I thought it was some dumb primary doctor pulling bullshit out of their ass, but nope, her FSH is 70. Sev.en.ty. Of course, normally I'd just conclude that she needs a repeat, but the fact is her LH was high, almost zilcho estrogen, she hasn't had a period in 9 monthsish, and provera did not work to induce a period. I feel like a sack of shit, because here I am, complaining, with my eggs, and she's in/been through menopause. Of course, I totally offered to do whatever I could, donate eggs, leftover meds, etc. but I don't get the feeling that she'd try to have a baby right now anyway, and she doesn't have the money to even do an egg freeze cycle.

So today just totally fucking sucks.